Another perfect day in heaven

Yep! It’s another perfect day in Heaven. This will make it the 1,649, 800, 000, 000, 000th day without a cloud in the sky, any snow on the ground, a tsunami or any of that nonsense that bothers the poor souls down there on earth. This being Heaven, we have always had the galaxies as our carpet, there is always light, there is no shortage of anything and everybody here is well behaved, even tempered and nice, what a wonderful place!

Oh it wasn’t always so nice, there was that time when Lucifer formed an army and tried to overthrow the government, and those were dark days indeed. Thank god for the bravery of angel Gabriel and the heavenly hosts (which is not to be confused with “ The Heavenly hostesses” massage parlor on the corner of Broadway and Houston, that place was opened by Eve after she returned from the garden of Eden). But that was then and this is now, and today, like every other day up here, everything is perfect. All the mansions up here are built from recyclable everlasting materials, because this is Heaven. We try to keep everyone happy, even those hippie tree huggers, they are also God’s children (even though I have my doubts about that, there is that little rumor about that time some angels went down to earth and fathered a race of giants, whose descendants later turned up in California but this is Heaven and we do not say such things).

Here in Heaven, you can think and project your thoughts into the stream of thoughts super database where everyone can read all thoughts, although the service tends to be spotty because it is being managed by Sprint. There has been a passionate debate lately on the merits of switching carriers to maybe T Mobile.

Yes we are in Heaven, population….., however many people have lived on earth less the ones that were really cruel to animals, less the Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, and Hari krismas, in fact less everyone but themselves if you go by the Christian heavenly population calculator or If you are from the Islamic paradise population computation school of thought then that number would be much larger. They use a more liberal permutation based on the acceptance that others besides their esteemed selves can be counted as legal occupants of heaven.

Here in Heaven everybody lives according to their beliefs when they were alive on earth. The Neanderthals never worshiped anything, did not care to have a defined social structure and were only accepted into heaven on a technicality (something about how they were also God’s creations and deserved their place at his side). Ever since they were accepted in, the Baboons, Gorillas and Chimpanzees have all put in formal requests to be granted exceptions based on the same rules that were used in the Neanderthalian hearings, these cases are still pending.

Anyway, the happiest people up here are the Muslims ( But bear in mind everybody up here is happy and that happiness is relative and that this does not mean that the Muslims are walking around giddy as if on ecstasy,….. on second thoughts, it does mean that the Muslims are enjoying a state of happiness whose only description can be called giddiness, OK they are giddy.), reason being they are only ones allowed any kind of carnal interests, in fact the lucky ones with the right papers and proper qualification can apply to be assigned seven consorts. The Christians put up a brave face about all of this, after all on earth, they had professed themselves to be pious hence above such trivial interests but secretly they wish things were a little different.

This morning at breakfast during the sharing of manna and honey (oh yes, manna and honey is shared for lunch and dinner as well), it was suggested that an excursion be organized to hell, to see how the other half was living these days. There was a loud murmur of approval; it has been awhile since anyone took a field trip.

Some perspective required

Permit me to try and entertain you for the next, .. Oh, however long it takes you read this. This is going to be the literary equivalent of a magic show. There will be things you see, that you can’t comprehend, things that befuddle and amaze you. You will find yourself knocked back into your chair saying; “oh no you d’in”. What I will be performing for your reading pleasure today, is an old sleight of hand trick, oops.., did I say trick? I meant magic (trick). Do not be alarmed by anything you feel or read, while this intended to be all kinds of delicious, there will appear to be a diabolical bend to the proceedings that might be hard for the weak minded to stomach. You are allowed to stand and applaud but you can’t touch the props or ask how it was done. There are trade secrets involved here, skills acquired from spending countless hours at the bar; and you have view only rights. Please do not attempt this at home and If had any small print I would read it to you or at least I would have encouraged you to read it before you proceed any further. In the absence of this, permit me to quote you some Latin instead, “Stultorum infinitus est numerous”. Certain aspects of this will make you angry and but it is also funny, so that kind of balances it out beautifully. Yes since this was intended for matured audiences only, you have to be over the age of 18 to swim in these murky waters. Please be aware that while this is age neutral material, age appropriateness’ is subject to the intended proper use of this material. The objectivity of the writer cannot be relied on or determined beforehand. Please remain seated throughout, turn off your cell phones and try to concentrate on the action on the page. I intend to proceed very quickly and will not be stopping to accommodate you slow pokes out there. This is strictly intended for the nimble minded; if you find yourself tuning out at any point, recognize that was the point where the script evolved past your level. Now on to the show, I need you to lean forward slightly,… closer, …closer still, until your nose is almost touching the monitor, hold it there for two minutes. Now skip to the bottom of this page and continue.

There, did you feel foolish doing that? You certainly looked very foolish sitting there with your face pressed up against the computer screen. Hopefully nobody walked by and saw you doing that or they would think you were “LOSING IT”.  Well as promised it was a trick and you might not be too happy but you were warned beforehand. A small practical lesson on blindly following instructions, always ask why. Oh, and that Latin quote from earlier; it means “Infinite is the number of fools”. 

Edu Nnadi

Jobs you don't want

This is mostly for the benefit of my “unaffiliated” friends, for the esoteric, this is an obvious one. Beware of the three hour job that pays $5K a month. Em…., it is not real. This has been out there for a while now, along with the lottery I won in England and the $5,000,000.00 Toyota was giving away in Hong Kong but if  I am still getting these, that means it is still working for the scammers  that send them out, hence the warning.   Even if nothing else, please pay heed to the language of the bogus offer, it’s all you need to tip you off.

And while we are on this topic, there are no Nigerian princes with millions of dollars to stash or crude oil procurement leases to sell and please in the name of God do not cash any over paid checks which requests you wire the difference.

                                                                                                                                                     

Good time of a day dear Mr. NNADI ! -Em... yeah, whatever, but go on.

Our HR managers found your curriculum vitae on the Ladders. They looked through your curriculum vitae and work experience and highly recommends you for this work in our organization because your data is consistent with our requirements. We’d like to offer you a position of an Freelancer in our organization.  - Freelance what?


The given work consists of the following tasks:

- actual filing of reports on the carried out work - If this were legitimate, it would be cheaper to use a temp agency.
- record keeping of customers in the USA. - Same as above.

- business partners information support - Only God knows what this means, is it the same as customer service support or are we talking Database management or Is it Tech support?

- fulfillment of financial transactions on the territory of the USA - All over the USA? I would like to see their budget. Obviously they are using an auto filler to plug in the country, "territory of the  USA"?
You will receive more detailed instructions during an interview over the phone. -

Person specification :

- Age: starting from 25 - Age discrimination is against the law in the US, can't happen.

- Citizenship: US

- Time: must have from 3 to 5 hours of free time a day for carrying out his/her obligations. Payment for this work makes up to 5000USD per month. The payment will be carried out to your transaction account every month. There are many hunters willing to take up this vacancy therefore we’re kindly asking you not to delay with your decision about this work. - If there are that many people willing to do this job, why are they sending out emails to anonymous people that did not apply for the job?

If this work is interesting to you, then please follow these steps:

1) Register at our web-site. To do so click on this link . Please fill out every field correctly, since data will be checked by our security department. - Please do not do any such thing, your "data" is all they want from you.
2) Pass an interview over the phone.- Will never happen, nobody is calling you, if they do, it is to complete the scam.

3) Sign a contract with our organization. - How? Over the phone?

4) Send the signed contract via fax or email.- Right, employment by proxy i guess?

With best regards HR department of InterWeb Exchange
We’re looking forward to a long-term cooperation. - InterWeb exchange, how phony is that?

Edu Nnadi

Social Butterfly

So I logged into my Spacebook or is it Myface to see what was up with all my “friends” but encountered all kinds of weirdness, i promptly logged out again before I succumbed to the stupidity and told everybody my status. I know, I know, checking the status of your “friends” four or five times a day has become a way of life and you can’t imagine life without knowing that Festus says “this is it”. But when did we become such fans of madness? Random sentences made without context often left like vomit on the sidewalk for dogs to consume. There is certain arrogance and over inflated sense of self-worth that make us assume that our “friends” are interested in knowing “I just left the comfy chair”. The sins of the fathers are no longer visited on the children but on the 547 friends who must wake up to your live feeds. Everybody is a fan of something, sometimes it is not enough to be a friend of someone, you also have to be a fan to their business, join their group and link to their blogs. Do not forget that you have the option to “Like This” or that, without having to ever bother explaining what it is you find so likable. Social networking is a lot like prostitution, you can’t be a part-timer, once you start, you are in. The joy of the new age, the exhilaration of discovering people from your past, whom you thought were beyond your sphere of contact forever; suddenly only a friend request away, has been replaced by the need to remind your “friends” you still exist. Someone once told me status updates is alot like walking around shouting random sentences at the crowd on a street corner. I could not agree more, I plead guilty as charged though, I have given in to the compulsive urge before myself many many times,.. unfortunately. Having used the anonymity of our new village square to make unnecessary and mostly uninformative noises in the process of updating my status, I have become an internet vagabond, trolling cyber space in search of …… what? I am not sure exactly, could it be validation, applause or condemnation? Certainly can’t be last, but all three are available in abundant supply on the internet. My day is only as productive as the times when I am not online trying to elicit a reaction from strangers, validation is the now measured by page views, click counts and retarded comments associated to my sometimes fantastically mediocre writing. John the Baptist preaching in the desert managed to gather an audience, makes you wonder if the people were initially attracted by the spectacle of a wild eyed man talking to himself or the indisputable truth of his message. It is the same question that I have for people with 1000 friends, is it the rodeo or the clown? One of them is the reason for the infection. And all these pictures with only you in it, why is it necessary? Picture after picture, of you staring into the same empty space. Sometimes the pictures are sideways, you know, the ones you take….. of yourself with your phone? Why do you feel the need to share this with your “friends”? Some of these pictures would qualify as low grade porn, but it is important you post them to your web-page; you just know everybody wants to see them. “Everything in moderation” except for our hourly status updates which should be as outrageous and as loud as we can make them; because you see, we need the attention. I am a little tired of people that pose rhetorical questions to themselves, with the hope that their “friends” will jump in for a swim in the muddy waters of silly question meets silly person. We seem willing to indulge each other to no end, arms joined at the elbows; we have formed a giant link pulling each other, maybe even the human race into the sewers of intellectual debasement. Yes, finally, please stop sending your “friends” electronic bear hugs, they are completely useless.

Edu Nnadi