Me, My Past and My Future

If yesterday’s you met today’s you would he be disappointed? The course of life would apart to be incredibly winding, is it possible that out of fatigue from the sheer grind of daily living, today’s you was left behind by yesterday’s hopes and dreams. In the course of reaching for heaven, is it possible that you settled for a penthouse? You are still high up, but you look and realize that a piece of you was not actualized, like bad sex despite the fact that you appreciate the fact that it happened, you know and realize that it could have been so much better.
Tenacity is a trait that is remarkably in short supply, the need to follow the path of least resistance is as old as the universe itself, water flows over rocks seeking the softest corners, it curves its course by wearing them down, the same thing with human nature. Our course through life is often consumed by the present, hardly the hard past or the ambiguous future. The present represents a cumulative total of all that you have been up until now, all your mistakes, concessions, good fortune and hard work. The future is wide open you could still be whatever (yes, you can be president), the past should serve as a reservoir of dos and don’ts but in the end we use it for a dark cupboard where we hide our misdeeds, clandestine affairs, shameful experiences, failed projects, abandoned dreams and mismanaged opportunities.
People tend to haul the past around like an anchor bringing it like nuclear waste into their present, polluting everything. It sours your optimism, because your experience tells you it will not work, rather than you finding answers of what will work in the past, the past tells you to give up. The past colors your objectivity, making sure that you bring a bias into every situation regardless of its relevancy. It’s strange that we carry so much of our history around with us but often do not reach into that closet to pull out encouragement for the present but rather excuses from our past. The other funny thing is that the past, the present and the future are all the same, one second ago was your past, and one second from now is your future, the decision you made a minute ago to is immediately affecting your present and invariable will have an effect in the future that will emerge from this present.
So if you met the younger you, the one that ran to class with only one sock and tattered sandals, the one that dreamt of being a Nobel laureate tell him, yes you have compromised, yes you have deviated from the path but tell him that have seen the light and you will be back stronger and more determined than ever, that you will be a credit to him, because there is nothing that has happened that says you can’t be all that, Nelson Mandela become president at 79, you have a long way to go.

A Skunk By Any Other Name....

What can I say? There is a certain rhythmic poetry to the news that Bernard Madoff, the face of the very snobbish New York Investment banking ultra elite was involved in a pyramid scheme. Apparently this arrangement which is neither genius nor even elaborate was named after Charles Ponzi.(Fortune Magazine online said of Charles Ponzi “First, though, Ponzi needed seed money to buy coupons in bulk. He hung out a shingle as the Securities Exchange Co. (more than a decade before the creation of the federal Securities and Exchange Commission). Thousands of investors responded to his promise of 50% return in 90 days, soon doubled to 100% in 90 days -- well within his theoretical business model. Over the next seven months, Ponzi collected roughly $8 million (about $100 million today) and became one of the most talked-about men in the U.S. Imitators quickly followed, with one especially brazen group opening an office down the hall from his, prompting Ponzi to proclaim that he was the "real" financial wizard amid a sea of fakes.” If you want to read the whole thing you can find it here The real Ponzi behind the 'scheme' it is fascinating.) Either way, so these days when even the smart guys are getting taken, when banks are falling victim to fraudsters and conmen, you now have to ask yourself, who scares you more? The semi literate trying to pull a “Yahooze” from an internet café in Lagos or the Palm Beach Country Club snob, that was “Investing” the money of friends and family? Imagine this, Bernard Madoff runs into a friend, despite the fact that he knows the man is broke (after all, he just “invested” some of his money) he will seat with him and eat expensive steak dinner, drink $100.00 a shot Cognac, and tell him to can rest easy, that his money is safe. The fact that the SEC did not bother scrutinizing a fund seating on $50B (How much is Nigeria’s budget for 2009?) in capital, tells you something about how completely this guy was trusted in the investment community. The sheep list covers every spectrum; it includes major European banks, probably your 401K mutual fund, movie producers, pension boards, labor unions, it seems to go on and on.

My cousin said that he cannot access his bank accounts, E bay accounts or even make purchases in Amazon with a credit card, simply because he is in Nigeria and most web portals will not allow IP addresses originating from Nigeria to execute even legitimate financial transactions. This is how they counter internet fraud? By shutting down, everybody? Despite the fact that it is common knowledge that the level of organization, sophistication and global reach that the Russians and Chinese have brought to credit and electronic fraud will not be matched by Nigerians, even if every single one of us took to advance fee fraud, 24/7. I don’t hear of anyone blocking Chinese IP addresses, even while they are hacking Pentagon’s classified files.



If not for this financial meltdown, Bernard Madoff would have continue his merry little game of “Financial Musical Chairs” with the watchdogs (Auditors, SEC, however else dropped the oversight ball on this) acting as his guest DJs. Many wealthy people face financial ruin as we speak, but what lessons is anyone going to learn from all of this? Sadly I say nothing, “trust but verify” only applies to everybody else. The same principle that makes it ok for banks to only lend you money if you don’t need it, applies here, regulators will continue to only fact check the little guy, the small fries, they of the small schemes and minor hits, they will be stopped at the door. The smart ones will continue to rob the banks from the inside.


There are so many shady characters around these days. There are the guys on TV telling you “ I earned $9K a month doing nothing” all you have to do to be like me, is visit the website 82fastmoney.com, the TV station does not mind collecting the AD revenue, even if the message they are spreading is barely legal, nobody cares. These days every time I turn on the TV, somebody is offering a “reverse mortgage”; or in other words selling your property one monthly payment at a time. They claim it a way for seniors to tap the equity in their homes without ever moving out, I say it a way for banks to steal homes from the elderly while they are still alive. Websites Offer 3 month PH.Ds, nobody thinks it is bad idea, it’s all good fun until somebody gets hurt, then it’s just news.

2008 In Words and Phrases.

• This year the news has been dominated by two events, the election of Barack Obama and the collapse of the global economy. As such, majority of the words that became commonplace around the water cooler originated from them. Certain words and phrases have so ingrained themselves into our everyday vernacular that we accept them as fact even though we have no way of knowing if what they connote is the truth. One such phrase is “Liberal Elite Media”, made popular by Fox News and Sarah Palin, it was used to imply a bias by the mainstream press for a democratic or liberal agenda; the combination of the words liberal and elite being used to imply that the media was out of touch with the pathos of the ordinary citizen. While a clever play on words, it does leave you asking the question; “liberal elite media” as opposed to what? The “regular liberal media” or is there a “conservative elite media” out there somewhere? Either way here are some other words and phrases that we became overly familiar during the course of the year.

• Stimulus Package – This is a special package prepared by the wife whenever she needs to stimulate your spending and boost her economy. While the package contents maybe vary, they always include some combination of welcome home kisses, elaborately prepared (and served) dinners, special treats in the inner chamber and a quiet request made at the exact moment when you are thanking God for your good fortune.

• Change - Change we can use, especially when trying to buy pour water on Eko Bridge from a moving car. The change we need, we usually cannot find and we are forced to break a fifty just to buy yogurt. Change that is necessary, for parking meters in order to avoid getting a ticket.

• Web 2.0 – Unlike Web 1.0, which brought us useful stuff like Yahoo email, AOL instant messenger and CNN, Web 2.0 is entirely devoted to time wasting with useless tools like Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.

• Bailout – Used in reference to getting your good for nothing uncle out of jail. Could also be used to reference your technique for exiting your girlfriend’s house when her father returns unexpectedly back in the day.

• Financial Meltdown - Refers to the melting of your saving account and net worth like ice- cream, in fact if your cone gets soggy watch out, even your small remaining cream will vanish.

• Financial Tsunami – This is the avalanche caused by millions of ice-creams melting at the same time, like any other regular tsunami it will leave millions drenched in debt and devastation. We continue to mourn the passing of Bear Stearns and The Lehman Brothers, they will be missed.
  Fannie and Freddie – This refers to the gay couple living down the street. They are very unreliable; and will flake on you if you invest in them. They do not work but have very rich parents and therefore throw money around as if it is nothing. But because they are always sending everybody gifts, they are beloved despite their flaws.

• Credit Crunch – It is the crunch you feel when the shopkeeper tells you cheerfully “Your card has been decline”. A good credit crunch can be hard to digest, like undercooked steak it does not go down easily, especially if you have already committed to that big screen TV or maybe the In-laws are coming but your bank account is bone dry.

• Maverick – A maverick is that person who can‘t do anything right but is given a free ride because “that is just who they are”. A maverick is allowed to have multiple positions on every topic, some of them at the same time. They are normally for small Government until they are against it.

• Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps – Shady deals given to those who know the secret handshake or at least the secret knock. It is akin to someone else (no relation of yours whatsoever) taking out an insurance on your life. Tell me why they will not do you in and collect on the policy? Working Class – Along with the Sleeping Class and the Watching Class make up the population of the United States.

• Working Class Whites – Uniform worn by the most self righteous amongst the working class.

• RBS or Royal Bank Of Scotland – unlike the common bank of Scotland, this one is quite useless at banking, it is staffed by Oxford and Cambridge grads, while they know nothing about banking, they are excellent at foxhunting and horseback riding.

• Subprime – This is a new species of the human race. Since they were discovered, they have been instrumental in sending the world economy into a state of cardiac arrest. These lowly creatures have a terrible history of savings and an even worse history of paying bills. How anyone came to become a “subprime” anything is beyond me but from everything I have heard they are horrible people and they should never be allow to own anything.

• Foreclosure – This happens after the bank has sent you like two thousand notices and have still not received the check you said you mail back June. In fact it is happening so frequently that in some areas, banks are having foreclosure parties where everybody can come hangout, turnover their keys and trash the house, good times I tell you.

• Surge – A feeling you and your spouse enjoy in the privacy of your bedrooms. Obama was said to have surged to victory on election night, and from the smile on Michelle’s face, I think it might have been true.

• The Detroit Big 3 – Three old men from Michigan, last spotted begging for alms in DC.

• Global Warming – Which is not to be confused with Global Re-heating, global warming is much gentler, and you hardly know it is occurring. Like leaving an ice cube out in the open, eventually all you will have is a puddle of water, by then we should have all grown gills.
  
  Obamamania – A state of delirium suffered by Africans everywhere, it is characterized by irrational hope and belief in the abilities of an American president.

• Affluenza – A strain of Influenza that makes people chase affluence, to the death if necessary. It is an incurable condition, normally associated with the sacrifice of dignity, friends and scrupulous.

• Cloud Computing – A technique for handing over all your secrets and sensitive company data to unknown people somewhere. It has been known to cause severe headaches if you do not have internet connection at the moment of need.

• Lame Duck – Served with humility and plenty of regret. Yes, we can – But what if we can’t? Alternatively, we tried and we couldn’t? Or what about a safer, sure we may?

• Chinglish – The Chinese version of Spanglish, only not as cute.

• Joe The Plumber - A description for self-promotional day workers suffering from delusions of grandeur.
  
  Swing State – An alternative life style state where swingers are welcome, like California.

• Nomophobia – this is the fear you experience upon jumping into your car and half way to work remembering that you left your cell phone on the dresser. Despite the fact that nobody has call you on your cell at work in the past five years, you still turn the car around, because for some reason you just have to have your phone with you. This is also known as Craziness.

• Ninja Loans – Loans taken out by men with years of training in evading payment. These highly trained operatives have the ability to vanish into thin air with all the equity in a property, they have special skills used in drawing down on lines of credit, securing second and third mortgages on properties; and persuading appraisers to inflate the value of a property by 300%.
  
  

Fringonomics and the concept of free money

Yes you read that right, coming to a bank near you in the immediate future, free money. With the bank rate currently at 1% and the Feds threatening to cut the rate to zero, soon banks can in theory borrow from the Federal Reserve window at no cost whatsoever. These days the figure flying around is $7.5 trillion, (this by the way, is approximately equal to about 45% of the GDP) This is the amount that the Government would have committed to, in one form or another by the time all is said and done. This is where we are today, with the treasury and the feds tap dancing at a frantic pace trying to keep up with the deadly downward spiral of investor asset values and the fantastic deleveraging of the economy. Basically since no one has ever dealt with a problem of this magnitude before, we are now in the realm of a new discipline that I will refer to as “Fringonomics”. Fringe economic instruments of monetary and fiscal control are being implemented without any discernable attempt to measure it’s potential effect on the future capacity of the economy to return to normal once this crisis is averted. To date, despite the best efforts of the government and the reserve banks, we have been in a deflationary circle but common sense tells us that some point all those chickens (referring to the billions being indiscriminately pumped into the system) will come home to roost in the form of uncontrolled inflation. The current deflationary trend is already leading to job cuts and lay offs, so despite the “low low” prices available at Wal-Mart nobody is interested, not when you have so many other competing needs with a diminishing means of meeting these divergent obligations. The geniuses that got us into this mess by trading in highly speculative and in some cases imaginary assets, will in the end be the same ones using all that “free” money and just what do you think they will do when the economy starts to rebound? Yes, they will buy and buy everything; those same “low low” prices for assets and commodities, will cause a buying frenzy. They will flush all that cash into the system and drive up the price of everything from drinking water to online dating. Now you can’t fault Secretary Paulson, he is doing what he has to do to keep the wolf at bay but my question is, since these Harvard MBAs got it so wrong the first time, what gives them the right to have a second crack at it? Interestingly, due to blind acceptance forged from years of unconditional usage most people do not even give a thought to the fact that if your government is in the business of printing money, you as a citizen should be in the business of storing your wealth in something else other than money. If there is only one dollar in the entire US economy and I have it, the minute a second dollar is created I am only worth half as much as I was worth before, so regardless of the outcome of these current experiments, for the average Joe the end result is a net loss. Now don’t even get me started on Nigeria’s deficit budget spending for 2009…….

What do you believe?

Relax; I am here to seek enlightenment, not to pontificate. To ask questions that always bothered me, not to cast shadows over your beliefs. I have friends that are saved, people with strong feels about their faith and its place in their lives but I have always wondered, what does it all mean in the end? I am not sure what I believe or not (I know, I could have written that differently but try to stay focused). I know that as soon as man was able to process cognitive thoughts he started to ask questions about his place in the big scheme of things. Christians believe what they believe and there are about one billion Moslems that will beg to differ, so assuming everybody is right to a degree where does that leave God? Somewhere today a deeply religious person probably passed away but tonight another deeply religious person will pray, “Thank you God for sparing me and my family”. Is the prayer not really saying “better him than me”? We read in the papers everyday where another Iraqi family was decimated by an errant missile and we casually flip over to the next page, and I know it is not because you don’t care or that you don’t wish them well. I am conflicted as to what is I believe, blind faith like the type a child has for the mother regardless of whether or not she is an irresponsible mother or a drug addict has been hard for me to accept. I used to pray and I believed all my prayers were answered, but that had nothing to do with anything. I know some pretty awful people who have been blessed with even more good fortune, so obviously they must be praying too.Am I asking for too much to want to know the why, when and how? Shouldn’t I just wrap religious rituals (for Christians, Sunday church and mid-week worship and for Moslems the five daily prayers) around myself like a warm blanket and assume I am protected from the chill of an aimless existence. Somehow, I think most people are not much concerned with finding the right way, just as long as it is their way, Moslems are right, Christians are right, same goes for Hindus, Buddhists AND EVERYONE ELSE. Maybe what I asking is, even if there isn’t a divine design to the affairs of man, don’t we have to believe that there is one anyway to keep us from being even more inhuman to one another? Seriously, if you have a plausible way of looking at this, I would like to hear it.

Man and Romance

I was forwarded this note by the friend of a friend, thought it was nice, decided to share.

Through out the age of man the art of courtship has changed drastically. Back in prehistoric times, man would see the woman of his dream, bring her an animal carcass then club her in the head while she was distracted. He then would drag her unconscious (and possibly brain damaged) body back to his cave for some sweet “caveman lovin”. In biblical times men would have to work for the father of his future bride, sometime for years even. Beautiful, just beautiful. With technology constantly changing and spoiling us, people have grown to be lazy. No more thrill of the hunt. No more challenge. No more going out and slipping some hot chick the date rape pill. Lazy people are now relying on the internet dating services. Some pathetic souls have even lowered themselves to placing an ad on Craig’s list…my friend got his 72 inch flat screen TV from there. Some people have even tried to justify themselves to me by saying “it’s hard finding a companion out there. I can’t seem to find anyone out there that’s decent.” So you chose to post an ad in the same place where people can buy a use toilet… good job. You know what kind of people circle around these websites; child molesters, rapists, stalkers, and R. Kelly. For those of you that say there’s just no one out there for you, here’s a list people who are not very good looking but found love:Hitler had a fiancée, Mimi Reiter, as well as a mistress, Eva Braun.Pamela Anderson also found love… and she’s a walking STD!Seal… have you seen his face? The man has more craters then the moon. Kiss from a rose? More like a kiss from a rhino’s ass!C’mon, if Marc Anthony can get Jennifer Lopez, there’s hope for you too. I mean the man does look like a cracked out Jimmy Smits. Quit living in the land of make-believe by saying “I’m waiting for the one of my dreams.” Point being, get off your ass make yourself presentable and begin your quest. And don't forget to lower your expectations.

The Audacity Of Hope.

There are very few events in your life were you remember exactly where you were at the exact time it happened, I have been fortunate enough to experience two of them. The first was September 11th 2001, at about 9.00 AM, I was coming off the E train from Queens, my stop was the Times Square station on 42nd and 7th, I was late and in a hurry to get to work, but on that day there would be no work. The whole of New York City appeared to be transfixed watching the giant TV screens surrounding Times Square, I made to ask the guy next to me what was going on, but before I could say a word, the second plane came into view of the cameras and we all watched, transfixed, as the plane flew straight into the second tower of the World Trade Center, there was a loud gasp as if a million people collective sucked in air, then a quietness (not silence but a stillness, like church) for a nano second it was like the world stopped, and then all hell broke loose. I write this not to revisit 9/11 but to explain how engraved the details of that day are in my mind, I could write a book of the events of that day alone, from the glassy eyed look in peoples eyes, to the wild rumors spreading like forest fire about alien invasions, even the trek out of New York City that day was epic. But I am getting side tracked; the second time was of course last night.
The unfathomable event that unfolded last night, will carryover into the lives of generations yet to come. That the black grandson of a goat herder from Kenya, raised by a single white mother on public funds without the “proper” connections could compete and prevail against historic odds is a story of biblical proportions. The is a uniquely American story, those of us from Nigeria know this intimately, it could not happen were we are from. In Nigeria, the same ruling class of has more or less held the country hostage for almost half a century, the chances that a “nobody” will rise out of the dirt without the aid of machine guns and flak jackets to preside over the affairs of our nation is slim to none. The euphoric joy that was felt around the world (My Mother is a Obama fan and for the past few months it’s been Obama this, Obama that, the woman lives in Kaduna and has not been to the States since 1992.) resonated in my house, I have not slept a wink, I will one day tell my children about the greatest election of my generation and the belief that it installed in me, that I hope I will be successful in passing on to them, Yes we can, Yes we can

A Satirical Journey In False Positives.

McCain 08, set out on a mission to win the presidency of the United States.


He chose his theme.


He tried to cut ties with outside influences.



He had his fans.

His plan was to poach some votes from the other guy's base. He chose his running mate carefully.

Initially his base was not too enthused about his candidacy.


But eventually they came around.
Then they took over.


























He made his priorities known.


Showed off his foreign Policy credentials

He lived up to maverick credentials.

Even the press had a hard time keeping up with him
He talked about the corrupting influence of money in politics.

Even when he changed his mind, he made sure everybody knew he was for his old position but he was against.

Then came the debates, where he aggressively tackled the issues.

When the polls suggested he was falling behind, he made some tactical adjustments.

All the twisting and turning meant that he sometimes.....

He tried to get his message on the economy to the people, but his message was distorted.

He resolved to go it alone if neccesary. He refuses to be intimidated.

Even though everyone thinks it is over, he soldiers on.

Nedu, 09.

All Might Dollar

Rough estimates puts the value of all the gold in the world at about 2 trillion dollars, since a majority of the world's currencies is backed by gold (to a degree), that means that there is a substantial disconnect between that figure and the GDP of the world which was estimated at 65 trillion dollars in 2006. Where did all the extra trillions come from? A crate of eggs is only worth however much the market is willing to pay for it. In the 1900s, a dozen eggs sold of $.23; today a dozen eggs cost about $4.00. What happened? Is the chicken demanding more money of her eggs?

While it is true that as the world's population grew, income and opportunity grow with it, the fundamental underlying factors remained the same. If you sold everything, you own today, how much are you worth? $1K, $10K, $100K or even a million Dollars? Whatever that number is, ask yourself this question, what exactly is a Dollar? It still takes the same effort to hoe a row of yams today that it took in 1960, then why are we paying more for the Labor today? If it truly were up to demand and supply, would the price of labor not be going down instead of up? The world has at least 10 times more available, trainable labor today than it had in the nineteenth century. Yet we are all earning more money than our forefathers could have ever dreamed of, doing virtually the same work. I would understand if this change in relative wealth was only happening in the US or China or even Nigeria but it is going on all over the world at the same time! If we are all stealing from each other, then why are we all getting rich? Where in God's name is the money coming from? This defies all the laws of commerce, we can't all be trading with each other and everybody is getting richer, somebody has to lose for the other to gain otherwise something is most definitely off kilter.

John D Rockefeller and William H. Vanderbilt were probably the richest men in the history of the world ever! Neither of them ever made a billion dollars in their lifetimes, yet Forbes.Com this year listed 1062 men and women with a net worth of at least one billion dollars, what could have happened to create so much wealth, in such a short time? If you have, $1000.00 and i have a tuber of yam, which is more valuable? My yam has actual value and can fulfill a need, with your dollar I have to agree that it is worth something to me, for it to be valuable.

Maurice Greenberg was the 135th wealthiest American in 2007. His net worth was $2.8 billion. He was a former chairman of AIG. He recently sold 5 million shares for $3.77 per share, now he is just another millionaire. So was he really worth a billion dollars? or Was it our inflated valuation of his assets that was distorted? The point here is that we have taken to creating monopoly money that is not backed an actual product, resource or service. Welcome to the derivatives culture, where if there is no demand, we create demand. Everybody is borrowing more, from everywhere, so that we can pay more, for everything. But where is all the extra money coming from? Idi Amin was famous for asking his Central Bank Governor to print more cash and I am afraid that in a roundabout way the world is paying him homage because everybody seems to be doing what he was doing all those years ago, wasting good paper.

Bushonomics & The Tickle Down Economic Disaster

Trickle-down economics" and "trickle-down theory," is the economic-political argument that the increases in the wealth of the rich are good for the poor because some of such additional wealth will eventually trickle down to the middle class and to the poor. At least that is what it says in Wikipedia, Karl Max had theories that made more sense. The only thing that has tickled down is bad debt, maxed out credit cards, stagflation in commodities and a recession in the housing industry. Instead of the Mullahs at the top to let anything tickle out, they papered over all the cracks to prevent any possible leakage. Smart CEOs made sure that unemployment tickled down by constantly laying off workers to improve efficiency. Hedge funds controlling trillions of dollars speculated with glee on oil and we all watched as the price of a barrel of crude climbed from $17.00 to $150.00 per, while the resultant increase in the cost of gas tickle down to the masses. This tickle down nonsense, seems curiously familiar to this Nigerian, I knew I had seen it somewhere before; but I was not sure where? An economic environment in which the ruling class and their well connected friends, initiated a plan to rob the treasury and pass the burden of repaying the mess on the country while they themselves swiftly proceeded to retire to a life of luxury and great wealth? OH MY GUSH, it is the same thing IBB and Uncle Segun were doing to Nigeria all these years. Turns out that greed and corrupt is universal; and was not invented in Africa contrary to what you might have heard.

So here we are, eight years into the most disastrous reign of ignorance, mismanagement and ineptitude, since the fall of the Holy Roman Empire, I can say with certainty that yes the hubris advanced by this culture's belief that “There is winning and then there is misery” has finally caught up with us. Despite the colossal failure that was the first four years of the bush administration (an administration that went to war just to juice up the economy), some bible touting, gay bashing, narrow minded, gun loving, right wing zealots masquerading as fiscally responsible conservatives decided that the first go around was so nice, that we had to have another go. So here we are, four more years later.

News You Might Have Missed.

• Taking things a little too far - Juju saga scares Akpabio from public functions - THE era of hand-shaking and embracing without discrimination or protocol appears over for Governor Godswill Akpabio of Akwa Ibom State. The governor put a freeze on free mixing with people at public functions following the recent revelation that the former Chairman of the Niger Delta Development Commission (NDDC), Ambassador Sam Edem allegedly used juju powers to harm him during a meeting between both of them.
• When Only Divine Intervention Will Do - Ekiti takes case to God - ASWARM of Action Congress (AC) members and sympathisers poured to the streets of Ado-Ekiti, the Ekiti State capital, yesterday to pray for divine intervention in the party’s battle to retrieve its "stolen mandate."They prayed for God’s favour on the appeal filed by the party at the Court of Appeal against the verdict of the Election Petitions Tribunal, which dismissed its petition challenging the declaration of Mr. Segun Oni as governor.”.
• How does he Manage? - Court orders prison authorities to produce man with 86 wives – “Federal High Court sitting in Abuja has ordered the Superintendent of Minna Prison to produce in court on October 27, this year, Alhaji Bello Masaba, the man with 86 wives who is challenging the power of the Bida Emirate Council to pass a sentence on him.”
• Criminal Justice - Armed thugs abduct female magistrate in Warri – “A GANG of eight armed thugs on Wednesday evening in Warri, Delta State abducted a female magistrate, 31-year-old Mrs. Emuobome J. Bazunu-Sokoh. Investigations by Vanguard showed that the kidnap of Magistrate Bazunu-Sokoh was allegedly sponsored by a female colleague in the state, who accused her and another friend of dating her husband.”

• Cement price to crash next month – Says God. “Nigerians have been assured that they will start to buy cheap cement by the end of next month.” - …..Riiiight.
• Disrespecting Your Elders - Daniel’s aides ‘feeding fat’ on rumour – “The Speaker, Ogun State House of Assembly, Mr.Tunji Egbetokun, has accused some aides of Governor Gbenga Daniel, of ‘feeding fat’ on the reports of impeachment plot against the governor. Egbetokun said this on Thursday in Owode, the headquarters of Obafemi/Owode Local Government Area. He did not spare the unnamed aides as he rained curses on them. Egbetokun wondered why it had become a child’s play to remove a state governor.”
• Beware Of Snake Oil Sales men - Dev in Anambra State is impressive —Russian Ambassador “The Russian Ambassador to Nigeria, His Excellency, Alexander Dmitrievich Polyakov, says that Russia attached great importance to Anambra State in the efforts, especially by Russian investors, towards investing in Nigeria, especially in the area of Gas. He said this yesterday when he paid a courtesy visit to the Governor of Anambra State.”
• Got check that email - Robbers raid Ilisan Cyber Café – “National Daily learnt that the robbers, numbering about five, who came in a Jeep around 8.00pm had first robbed a Cyber Café, owned by one of the children of the late politicians in the town”. “Contacted, the State Commissioner of Police, Mr. Solomon Olusegun confirmed the incident, saying, ''my men are frantically looking for the dare-devil armed bandits, who operated in the area and killed the Mopol, and the Okada rider.'’ Forgetting the ridiculousness of the of the state PC’s comments, this would have been funny, if it was not so tragic.
• The Passing Of a Great Man - Artist, others mourn ace broadcaster, Yinka Craig - Artists and well-wishers of the late ace broadcaster, Yinka Craig, have been pouring eulogies on the man who gave television broadcasting a new look. Craig died in a United States of America (USA) hospital from an ailment suspected to be Lymphoma, cancer of the immune system.
• If Cheap Milk Suddenly Appears In Lagos - 12 more arrested in China's tainted milk scandal - More than a 1,000 parents anxious over tainted milk powder on Thursday rushed their infants to hospitals for health checks as the government announced that a fourth baby had died in the spreading scandal. Meanwhile, regulators in Hong Kong ordered the recall of milk products from a Chinese dairy after finding the banned industrial chemical melamine in eight of 30 sample products tested. Police in Hebei province said they had arrested 12 more people Thursday, bringing the total to 18.
• Till Death Do Us Apart - Nigerians kill wives in America – “A report circulating among Nigerians resident abroad especially in London and America has revealed that some Nigerians who attribute frustration and maltreatment as reason have killed more than 20 of their wives in different parts of America thus giving the average Nigerian man resident in that country the image of a domestically violent person and a potential wife killer.”

Righteous indignation

Do you know any white people? Because I don’t. Largely ten years spent in the relative anonymity of quasi middle class America has thought me that only one truth is constant, blacks and whites live separate lives. We go to different churches, we worship differently, and we have different values while pursuing the same goals. We all aspire to a better life but differ strongly on our paths to that life, the generic certainty of suburban serenity will not be the lot of most inner city blacks. Where I can understand the fears of the average black person; poverty and random violence. I can’t really relate to fears of “keeping up with the Jones" and "Investing in the wrong 401K or IRA", when your present day is fret with immediate and present dangers you are less likely to be stowing away excess nuts in the eventuality of a long winter. Tragically, the farce that is race relations today is designed to guilt trip you into believing that all is well, after all we do have affirmative action and the civil rights bill to protect our constitutional rights. But you cannot legislate away prejudice, I can’t count how many times little white ladies jump back when I suddenly come around a corner despite the fact that majority of the perverse sexual misadventures visited on white women is by white males. I could vent on the hypocrisy of churches that supported segregation, then turned around and went on missionary trips to Africa to save the souls of the primitives in need of salvation. The religion is good enough for their souls but thier asses not good enough to seat in the same pews as a white person. According to a Justice Department report released in July 2003 about 10.4% of the entire African-American male population in the United States aged 25 to 29 was incarcerated, by far the largest racial or ethnic group—by comparison, 2.4% of Hispanic men and 1.2% of white men in that same age group were incarcerated. According to official data in 2000, there were 791,600 black men in prison and 603,032 enrolled in college. In 1980, there were 143,000 black men in prison and 463,700 enrolled in college. You see, the thing is that I know a lot of white people, we work together, go out together, root for the same teams and curse out the horrible economy and the evils of human indifference together. But I don’t consider them my friends, because of the same reasons people worry when they sight someone wearing a turban on a plane since 9/11, you just don’t know what their intentions are.

Divine Comedy

In the inferno, Dante noted that the words "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" was craved onto the walls of the gates of hell. I will not get pretentious and act like I have read the entire epic volume but I do find those words to be of particular interest and they seem to fit in nicely in so many places. I feel like the US economy has entered Dante’s circles of hell and the outlook is bleek and getting bleeker by the minute. The stock market is down 800 points in three days, while the news circle is squeaking on and on about Sarah Palin. Just looking at yahoo today you will find the following head lines;

• Hedge funds batten down the hatches in turbulence- Reuters
• IMF head: worst of financial crisis may lie ahead- Reuters
• SEC issues rules against abusive short sales- Reuters
• Housing construction drops 6.2 percent to 17-year low- AP
• Morgan Stanley shares plunge 40%, Goldman sinks 20%, HBOS in takeover talks- AP
• Oil prices up after crude supplies fall sharply- AP
• Regulators gauging other banks' interests in WaMu- AP
• Lehman unloads its banking divisions to Barclays- AP
• When All Else Failed: Govt. Bails Out AIG to Avoid Catastrophe- Tech Ticker

Somewhere in there, there are geniuses are at work.

Today in the papers

• White Magic – This BBC Africa report is about a 94-year-old white traditionalist high priestess of the Orisha worship from Oshogbo. I was particularly struck by portion where it said “In her early years in Nigeria she met Adjagemo, a high-priest of creator-God Obatala, who would become her mentor.” He took me by the hand and led me into the spirit world," Mrs. Wenger told a French documentary maker in 2005. "I did not speak Yoruba, and he did not speak English, our only intercourse was the language of the trees."
  Forgive my dirty mind but the combination; taken by the hand, led into the spirit, intercourse and trees made me wonder. The story is pretty engaging, please read it.
• 
  New national identity card scheme – Business day online reports the National Identity Management Commission (NIMC) is working on new national identity cards. The fact is this is an unsustainable misadventure in bureaucratic arrogance. Of all the definitions of the word scheme, two seem to be particularly pertinent, one: A scheme could be defined as a systematic and coherent arrangement of parts employed towards achieving a common goal. This would imply that somewhere in Nigeria there exists an organized body whose functions and goals are not colored by nepotism, self-aggrandizement, sectional bigotry and religious intolerance. This National ID card scheme will turn into another “census”, it would inevitable be the bases for revenue sharing and with it the introduction of money into the scheme, like blood in the water, it will attract sharks. The other definition that I thought was appropriate was “a secret and cunning plan, especially one designed to cause damage or harm”. Imagine how much easier it will be for fraudsters to manipulate such a database. How long will it be before someone is selling your information on EBay?
• 
  Funny - From the Daily champion comes the joke of the week, “Over 19 million persons with disabilities in Nigeria would soon smile as the Senate promised to give accelerated passage to a bill that would provide walk ways in public buildings and access to churches, mosque and streets specifically for the disabled.” This, in a country where only one bridge carries the entire weight of East West commerce. Funny how the senate can find time to pass frivolous laws while key infrastructures continue to face decay and neglect.
• 
  Parental Supervision – Lagos Weekend times reports that “A 35-year-old businessman, Ahmed Oresanya has told a Mushin Customary Court that he was seeking to divorce his wife of nine years at the prompting of his parents. Ahmed told the court that being the only child of his family; his parents had wanted him to divorce his wife Evelyn.” I wonder if it would have made a difference if he was the third child? Talk about living with the In-laws.
• 
  Still In the weekend times – This paper is such a delicious read, it is one of my guilty pleasures, you can find some remarkable off-beat stories tucked into all kinds of corners – Man, 60, arrested with 2 lorry loads of Cannabis and Suspect admits taking cannabis. First of all, why do they insist on calling it Cannabis instead of the more universal marijuana? If they are trying to be technical then write that “the suspect was caught carrying plants known to contain delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol” abi? Secondly what is with this rash of cannabis (na their story and na so dem take refer to the Igbo) smoking taking over the north? I guess if you need of a quick holiday but do not want to incur the expense of actually leaving your house…….
• 
  My Jeep – I found this article in Business Times “Regrettably, it is in the midst of all these problems that the state government under the stewardship of Governor Ibrahim Shekarau dolls out 57 Prado Jeeps of different models and sizes to all the district heads (hakimai), emirate council members and Ulamas (religious leaders). To add salt to our injury, each Prado Jeep goes for N7.1 million in the market but was obtained at the contract price of N11.5 million. It was reliably estimated to cost the state government over N1.6 billion to extend this cruel generosity when N500, 000 fuel money for each beneficiary was added to the total sum of the Jeeps.” While the issue of a Governor giving what is essentailly bribes to consorts and cohorts is a problem that needs to be addressed, but there other parts of that artcle that cuaght my attention; “it is undisputable that Kano housed the largest number of unemployed youth; widows and spinsters number are on the increase which promote social vices and spread diseases among the people in the state. The state is as well known as den of hooligans popularly known as Yanâ daba. It is estimated that over a million children of school age roam the street as beggars.”
• 
  Holy Cow – The daily trust says Zamfara, coy provide 1,000 kiosks to youths. “Zamfara State government in conjunction with Rafico has provided a total of 1000 youths with a kiosk and milk cow products of N100, 000 each to boost commercial activities in the state.” - Ok, wait let me see if I understand what is going on here, a company called Rafico is selling its “Milk Cow Products” to by force entrepreneurs, who are using government guaranteed line of credits? Talk about business with no down side risk. Not only are you the market, you are also the bank.
• 
  The more the merrier - The national Mirror reports that “Yar'Adua Creates 18 New Ministries” and will need 18 new ministers to man those ministries, who talk say work no dey Naija?

Finally a joke I heard, There was a poor man with many kids, Unfortunately, this man had only 5 Naira with him one particular day, which he used in purchasing fried fish. So this man made Garri and tied the fish to a stick up above the Garri. After a quick calculation was made, it was determined that each individual in the family was to take a spoonful of Garri and inhale the aroma from the fish once. Beginning from the father, then the mother and progressing through all the kids, they all took a spoonful of Garri and inhaled the aroma once. The last kid, feeling brave, took a spoonful of Garri and inhaled the aroma of the fish twice. Damn! His father gave him a dirty slap and said DROP ONE! The kid quickly exhaled in order to prevent a serious beating.

Yankee Living - A Paradigm Shift

In and Out- The system in this country is wonderful, on payday, you log into your bank account, and like magic, you are $100.00 richer, you smile. If you are one of the very organized ones you probably have all your bills scheduled to be auto deducted from your account. So you check to see if everything has been paid, yep, Mortgage $45, Car Note $15, Insurance $5, Alimony $10, Child Support $5, Credit Card bills $10, available balance $10, you frown. You write yourself a check for $10.00; you just remembered that you need to buy some groceries on your way home. You log out of the account, the balance exactly as it was before they paid you.

Nigerians Like Show - My guy owns a hummer, it gets about 10 miles to the gallon. We drive from gas station to gas station because the beast is always thirsty; the monster consumes fuel like a camel but has the fuel economy of a show pony. He has spent more money buying petrol than Mike Tyson spent buying Robin Givens, his truck is very needy, kind of like Ms. Givens (shouldn't she be Mrs. Tyson?). Anyway, whenever we hit the town, we always drive slowly not because we are trying to be noticed but because when we drive fast, we never make it to the next gas station. Funny thing, rich white people are driving funny looking little cars to save money but Naijaman dey upgrade to Super V8 Twin Cam Double Exhaust Turbo with the Chrome Wheels.

North Or South, Right or Left: I admit it, I have made up my mind, even if Obama woke up tomorrow and declared himself the leader of the Black Panther movement or McCain revealed that he was secretly the supreme Grandmaster of the KKK, it would not much change my views (find appropriate CARTOON). Like cement I have hardened, I can't be molded anymore, only broken. I know I am no longer listening, regardless of the relative merits of the respective positions of the candidates on pressing economic and political issues it does not make a difference. Like a good Nigerian I have already made up my mind even though I have not had time to weight the issues. Any kind of consternation I feel is caused only by the audacity of the other side’s refusal to capitulate to my point of view. I read newspapers and watch TV shows that reinforce my beliefs. When did I become this totalitarian? I really don't know but I realize I have been brainwashed by the arguments of one side and as such anything I hear from the other side is basically them feeding me propaganda. I recognize the problem but I don't any answers. Scorched earth politics, in the end we all end up losers.


Your Money Is Only Safe Under Your Mattress - Please do not buy shares they only lose value, as late as February 2008 Bear Sterns shares traded for $93.00, On Friday March 14th, 2008. Bear Sterns was sold to JPMorgan Chase for $2.00 a share, a loss of $91.00 for every share owned. If you are smart, you probably invested in commodities, although in the end the result is inevitably the same. The $150.00 barrel of oil you bought two months ago will be delivered to your house today at only $107.00. If you invested in real estate, hopefully it was not in Nevada, since the same house that the bank was so willing to lend you $500K to buy, would today be worth only $250K, good luck coming up with the balance when the collectors come knocking.
A few years ago I borrowed 100 pounds from my friend, and I took it to the bank to change it into dollars, the cashier punched in some numbers, bite his pencil, scribbled something on paper and finally pushed $135.00 my way after deducting the transaction fee, exchange fee, and fee fees. Recently my friend called asking for his money back, I offered him $135.00 from under my mattress, but he refused, he wanted 100 pounds back. so I went back to the same bank demanded 100 pounds but the cashier punched in his numbers, bite his pencil and scribbled something on paper and gave me 70 pounds after deducting the transaction fee, exchange fee and fee fees. I was floored; apparently, my money had shrunk while under my mattress, hmm.... maybe my mattress is not such a good place to keep my money after all.

Nnadi, J.C.