2008 In Words and Phrases.

• This year the news has been dominated by two events, the election of Barack Obama and the collapse of the global economy. As such, majority of the words that became commonplace around the water cooler originated from them. Certain words and phrases have so ingrained themselves into our everyday vernacular that we accept them as fact even though we have no way of knowing if what they connote is the truth. One such phrase is “Liberal Elite Media”, made popular by Fox News and Sarah Palin, it was used to imply a bias by the mainstream press for a democratic or liberal agenda; the combination of the words liberal and elite being used to imply that the media was out of touch with the pathos of the ordinary citizen. While a clever play on words, it does leave you asking the question; “liberal elite media” as opposed to what? The “regular liberal media” or is there a “conservative elite media” out there somewhere? Either way here are some other words and phrases that we became overly familiar during the course of the year.

• Stimulus Package – This is a special package prepared by the wife whenever she needs to stimulate your spending and boost her economy. While the package contents maybe vary, they always include some combination of welcome home kisses, elaborately prepared (and served) dinners, special treats in the inner chamber and a quiet request made at the exact moment when you are thanking God for your good fortune.

• Change - Change we can use, especially when trying to buy pour water on Eko Bridge from a moving car. The change we need, we usually cannot find and we are forced to break a fifty just to buy yogurt. Change that is necessary, for parking meters in order to avoid getting a ticket.

• Web 2.0 – Unlike Web 1.0, which brought us useful stuff like Yahoo email, AOL instant messenger and CNN, Web 2.0 is entirely devoted to time wasting with useless tools like Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.

• Bailout – Used in reference to getting your good for nothing uncle out of jail. Could also be used to reference your technique for exiting your girlfriend’s house when her father returns unexpectedly back in the day.

• Financial Meltdown - Refers to the melting of your saving account and net worth like ice- cream, in fact if your cone gets soggy watch out, even your small remaining cream will vanish.

• Financial Tsunami – This is the avalanche caused by millions of ice-creams melting at the same time, like any other regular tsunami it will leave millions drenched in debt and devastation. We continue to mourn the passing of Bear Stearns and The Lehman Brothers, they will be missed.
  Fannie and Freddie – This refers to the gay couple living down the street. They are very unreliable; and will flake on you if you invest in them. They do not work but have very rich parents and therefore throw money around as if it is nothing. But because they are always sending everybody gifts, they are beloved despite their flaws.

• Credit Crunch – It is the crunch you feel when the shopkeeper tells you cheerfully “Your card has been decline”. A good credit crunch can be hard to digest, like undercooked steak it does not go down easily, especially if you have already committed to that big screen TV or maybe the In-laws are coming but your bank account is bone dry.

• Maverick – A maverick is that person who can‘t do anything right but is given a free ride because “that is just who they are”. A maverick is allowed to have multiple positions on every topic, some of them at the same time. They are normally for small Government until they are against it.

• Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps – Shady deals given to those who know the secret handshake or at least the secret knock. It is akin to someone else (no relation of yours whatsoever) taking out an insurance on your life. Tell me why they will not do you in and collect on the policy? Working Class – Along with the Sleeping Class and the Watching Class make up the population of the United States.

• Working Class Whites – Uniform worn by the most self righteous amongst the working class.

• RBS or Royal Bank Of Scotland – unlike the common bank of Scotland, this one is quite useless at banking, it is staffed by Oxford and Cambridge grads, while they know nothing about banking, they are excellent at foxhunting and horseback riding.

• Subprime – This is a new species of the human race. Since they were discovered, they have been instrumental in sending the world economy into a state of cardiac arrest. These lowly creatures have a terrible history of savings and an even worse history of paying bills. How anyone came to become a “subprime” anything is beyond me but from everything I have heard they are horrible people and they should never be allow to own anything.

• Foreclosure – This happens after the bank has sent you like two thousand notices and have still not received the check you said you mail back June. In fact it is happening so frequently that in some areas, banks are having foreclosure parties where everybody can come hangout, turnover their keys and trash the house, good times I tell you.

• Surge – A feeling you and your spouse enjoy in the privacy of your bedrooms. Obama was said to have surged to victory on election night, and from the smile on Michelle’s face, I think it might have been true.

• The Detroit Big 3 – Three old men from Michigan, last spotted begging for alms in DC.

• Global Warming – Which is not to be confused with Global Re-heating, global warming is much gentler, and you hardly know it is occurring. Like leaving an ice cube out in the open, eventually all you will have is a puddle of water, by then we should have all grown gills.
  
  Obamamania – A state of delirium suffered by Africans everywhere, it is characterized by irrational hope and belief in the abilities of an American president.

• Affluenza – A strain of Influenza that makes people chase affluence, to the death if necessary. It is an incurable condition, normally associated with the sacrifice of dignity, friends and scrupulous.

• Cloud Computing – A technique for handing over all your secrets and sensitive company data to unknown people somewhere. It has been known to cause severe headaches if you do not have internet connection at the moment of need.

• Lame Duck – Served with humility and plenty of regret. Yes, we can – But what if we can’t? Alternatively, we tried and we couldn’t? Or what about a safer, sure we may?

• Chinglish – The Chinese version of Spanglish, only not as cute.

• Joe The Plumber - A description for self-promotional day workers suffering from delusions of grandeur.
  
  Swing State – An alternative life style state where swingers are welcome, like California.

• Nomophobia – this is the fear you experience upon jumping into your car and half way to work remembering that you left your cell phone on the dresser. Despite the fact that nobody has call you on your cell at work in the past five years, you still turn the car around, because for some reason you just have to have your phone with you. This is also known as Craziness.

• Ninja Loans – Loans taken out by men with years of training in evading payment. These highly trained operatives have the ability to vanish into thin air with all the equity in a property, they have special skills used in drawing down on lines of credit, securing second and third mortgages on properties; and persuading appraisers to inflate the value of a property by 300%.