Found In The Papers II

• The Auditor-General of the Federation, Mr. Robert Edjanavi, has expressed deep concern over the safety of Federal Government’s N363.9bn investments in some companies. Some of the investments, he said, might have been lost as a result of their privatisation or complete closure of the companies. The Auditor-General, therefore, advised the Accountant-General of the Federation to put a mechanism in place for the recovery of some of the funds. --------Dem don come again, wetin Lehman Bros get to do with 9jia money? Naija politicians are the true experts at never wasting a crisis. Any chance to die our pay is always welcome

• The Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) yesterday said that the total credits (loans) of the 24 banks operating in Nigeria has increased from N1.19 trillion in 2003 to N7.8 trillion as at January, 2009 while the total capital base is well over N2.1 trillion ----- E be like sey undercapitalized and overleveraged na words wey Nigerians go begin familiarize themselves with." I see dead people"

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  “How I met Jesus in prison” Jennifer Madike ------ Hmm… wonder if he was just visiting

• Sea pirates along the Bonny Channel, Rivers State, are said to have raped five ladies after they attacked three passenger boats in the area. A source on Tuesday told our correspondent that the three boats were intercepted by the armed gangs along the channel, which has become notorious for piracy and armed robbery in recent times. He said the gang laid ambush for the boats along the winding creeks and struck as soon as they came within their range. The source added that the gangsters carefully selected some women and a man from the three boats after the attack and forcibly took them deeper into the creeks. He said that the other passengers were allowed to go with the boats while the fate of the seized women and the man was unknown. …… We do not know what happened to the people that were kidnapped but the five women were certainly raped. And that one guy that was selected…..for what? Maybe, Rape?
  
  
  

• Pope Benedict XVI, who is making his first papal visit to Africa, has said that handing out condoms is not the answer in the fight against HIV/Aids. HIV/Aids was, he argued, "a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which can even increase the problem". The solution lay, he said, in a "spiritual and human awakening" and "friendship for those who suffer". ----- I wish I understood what he was trying to say. That condoms do not prevent or at least reduce the risk of infection?
  
  
  

• The Federal Executive Council Today said it is targeting the creation of a million jobs for youths in 2009 - ------ Me, I am always up for a decent miracle. What exactly is “job for youths”?
  
  
  
  

• ABUJA—For the first time since the return of democratic rule in 1999 the Senate yesterday commenced moves to appoint a national ombudsman with the responsibility of investigating complaints against federal, state and Local Governments. …… All well and good but what if I have a complaint against the Ombudsman?
  
  
  
  
  

• AT a recent gathering of Touts and Bus Stop Academics parliamentarians at the Iyana Ejigbo Bus-stop, a dispute had arisen over whether Governor Babatunde Fashola actually monitors how the different projects of his government were being executed. The dispute was a fallout of the surprise expressed by one of the parliamentarians, Francis Akpeyi, that the traffic control light at Iyana Ejigbo which malfunctioned for some days, causing a lot of traffic confusion, had been rectified within a short time. ----- Meaning there would have been no dispute if the light was still malfunctioning. That my friend is the essence of comedy, nothing else needs to be added, that soup don ready.
  
  
  
  

• If you are one of those thinking that singer Soul E is mourning his fate or remorse about his predicament in the last few months, sorry to disappoint you because he is not. The singer re branded his stage name and identity after getting ‘married’ to Queen Ure Okezie in Umuahia last year, and went on to parade themselves about town as showbiz couple, man and wife, appearing on different television shows and several events as King and Queen. ------more like area father and mother.
  
  
  

• CAN someone tell the EFCC to stop fooling the public? When a new Chairman of the EFCC in the person of Mrs. Farida Waziri was appointed about a year ago, expectations were high. No one believed that it could be a smokescreen. ------ Nope, most of us thought it was a “Chinese room divider” not a screen of any kind.
  
  
  
  

• AN in-depth analysis of the official pronouncements and statements of top government functionaries in Nigeria on the current global financial crisis reveals one of two things: Either a clear lack of understanding of the depth and ramifications of the issue at hand or an outright trivialization of how to go about it, which, essentially, is a function of the former. – Sometimes you can be too smart, such as now.
  
  
  
  

• Customs officials at the Beijing airport in China announced that they detained a Nigerian man who had a suitcase filled with about 87 kg of marijuana. Chinese police say it is the biggest drug arrest this year. ------- How is that even possible? How big was the suitcase? 190 pounds, com’on now! I bet he even tried bring it on to the plane as hand carry.

• A circuit court in Goaso has sentenced a 37 year-old self-styled juju man, Alhaji Abonyere, to 15 years imprisonment in hard labour for sexually assaulting a housewife. The convict pleaded guilty. He said in January the victim, who was suffering from menstrual disorder, was accompanied by her husband to the convict for herbal treatment. The prosecutor said the convict demanded GHC 2.00 and a cock as consultation fee for the treatment and placed the housewife on treatment. On February 3 when she reported to the convict for treatment Abonyere invited her into his room and asked her to obey all his instructions or she would go mad. Abonyere then stripped the woman half naked and smeared the stomach with black powder. Abonyere again removed the underwear of the housewife and put a talisman around her waist after which he asked her to bend down and continue to stir a calabash containing the blood of a fowl with a finger till he asked her to stop. ------- I wonder what she thought was going to happen after her underwear came down? I mean except if the man had an underwear fetish, this song only had one chorus. Please, what is GHC 2.00, na gun? or New brand of Condom?