It's Hard Being A Standup Comic- Sometimes They Don't Laugh - Seinfeldian Questions Without Good Answers

If someone is holding the door open for you, are you obligated to hurry up? Are they not really putting unnecessary pressure on you, trying to force you to live up to their own lofty standards? Why can't you just continue the leisurely stroll you were having before?

If you are alone in your car and happen to have your finger up your nose at the exact time another car pulls up level so that you can see the disgust look on the face of the other driver, should you apologize? Would it not be more satisfying to pull out you finger and pretend to lick it, just as you drive away?

If you are bald and were trying out a wig when a woman happens to become attracted to your lush head of hair. If you make arrangements to go on a date with her, At what point will you tell her, the hair is not yours? Why do you have to tell her anything? Why not find a good piece of glue and stick that thing unto your scalp until one of your other insecurities kills the relationship naturally.

If you buy a couple a expensive wedding present, then they cancel the wedding. Should you tracked down the party in possession of your gift and ask for the gift to be returned? if you are still owing the credit card company for the charge using in purchasing the “three speed vacuum blender with automatic washer and dryer settings” can you insist they stay married?

If you say “I love you” to your date and they do not acknowledge or indicate that they heard you the first time, should you throw out a second possibly louder “I Love You”? They genuinely could have not heard you or It could be double the humiliation as the second “I love you” just sits there between the two of you, growing in a bigger pile of sh*t by the second.

If you visit the restroom in someone’s house and find one of those pile of magazines that is always stacked in there, if you finish you business but find yourself still engrossed in the “history of the reticulated Python” can you bring the magazine back out into the living area from it's former resting place? Or can you stay in the loo indefinately until you finish your reading?

A young couple you know just had a baby, and on your visit to see the new addition to the family, the wife is like “come and carry baby Mandillas, for a bit”, apart from being very ugly, baby Mandillas has a crooked neck that makes his head lie at an odd angle and the whole thing scares the crap out of you. Can you refuse to carry the baby?

If you visit the restroom in your new date’s house and totally destroy the joint, then just as you are about to flush, you reach for toilet paper and come up empty. Do you call out for a new roll? Switch to water or dress up and run out the place claiming an emergency via a call you just received on the cell phone?

You happen been swimming and suffered significant shrinkage from the cold water, if while you are drying off, a lady you were interested in, stumbles upon you and her eyes are drawn to your severely handicapped member. Should you immediately start to explain to her unasked how you had gone skinny dipping in freezing water? Or would it be better to just move on and hope she does not tell anybody or at least nobody you might run into again?

You are alone in your car with the A/C on and you let go a big fat stinky one, just at that moment a friend that you have not seen in a long long time recognizes you and starts to knock on the window, asking you to winding down. Do you wind down and let them take a good whack in the face or pretend not to recognize them while gently putting your car in drive?

Thought currently renting space in my head….

I often find myself wondering about the nature of the true relationship between Alhaji Sir Ahmadu Bello and Sir Abubakar Tafawa Balewa. Though both men shared much in common including fact that they both attended Katsina Teacher's Training College, were both killed on the same day, for the same reason, by the same group, they could not be more different. Politically they appeared to the every much aligned, both were “pro northern” in everything but yet entered into an alliance with the Pan African Nnamdi Azikiwe and not the more tribal centric Obafemi Awolowo. At the very least, there should have been some resentment from the “commoner” Balewa, that despite the fact that he was the prime minister he still had to answer to the blue blooded regional head, who appeared to be more interested in becoming the Emir of Sokoto than in becoming the head of the young nation.

By the time of the ‘66 coup, which funnily enough was staged by a group of a delusional nationalist group of southern soldiers, the relationship between the NCNC and NPC was virtually non-existent. One would presume that the more intellectually minded Balewa would see the writing on the wall, have known that his continued position of influence depended on the continuation of the partnership with one of the other two major parties since the regional position of authority was not up for debate. I think of the dichotomy that such a complex power sharing model such as theirs would have presented. The friction that their relationship would have created is endlessly fascinating to me, two men of near equal education with similar backgrounds in politics but distinctly contrasting social economic backgrounds trying maintain an equilibrium. The chorography in that dance must have been knife’s edge. Either, from lack of foresight or disinterest, it is almost impossible to get a sense of these two individuals as human beings, writings and historical documentations, barely hint at personalities or any other individualist traits that would have served as a clue of who they were or how they managed their day to day interactions. Reading with a magnifying glass between the lines, there is an assumption that Sir Bello was the Alpha dog of the relationship but was this through natural selection or more akin to a political ascension based on a privileged birth?

All ebb, no flow......

The footsteps follow me everywhere, creep by creepy creep, all around the house. I am not afraid of them, I am resigned to the shadows hovering around me. Looking out through the window, I notice the grey light of an early dawn, there is a sadness about this morning but I refuse to address the source of this vague malaise I am experiencing. I walk sleepily into the kitchen and start a pot, for I must have my coffee. The feeling of performing everyday tasks, the routine itself is comforting, like a warm blanket in a cold room. Slowly my brain is stirring awake, coming on full blast like an express train pulling into the station, I know subconsciously what will arrive on that train, it’s the same footsteps that has been following me all around the house, all morning. There it was, I am wide awake, there is no escaping it now, everywhere I look, it stares back at me, in big black unflinching letters; MICHAEL JACKSON DEAD AT 50! How exactly am I going to spend the rest of my day?

Why Blog?

My pen drips liquid pleasure, my writing is like crack cocaine to my brain. I do not enjoy everything I put down but I always get a buzz from the reaction it elicits. It is true that most true artists are interested not in the millions that idolize their work but in the hundreds that claim not to be impressed. I do not feel like an artist, I feel more like a magician, conjuring up words of such exquisite fragility that the fabric from which this intricate tapestry is woven; is at once as shred able as cotton and at the same time as strong as silk. I feel like good writing should go down smooth like Irish cream but with the alcoholic effect of a shot of Irish whiskey. I write because I am bored, and need an escape, a place where my mind is occupied with complex realities and the everyday anomalies of human existence. I write to kill the fiery devil at the center of my heart that wants me to do so much more about the everyday injustices both real and perceived that plague not just me or mine but humanity and man. I write to express a point of view, to get out an opinion, to stretch my arguments over a wider area than the guy siding in the barstool next to me at the pub, to openly state my assumptions to see if others think along the same path. But mostly, I write, because I have an audience, even if it is an audience of one, it is more than my words deserve and for that I say thank you.

Nedu Nnadi

9jia Could Be Home

I live in exile in a strange country, surrounded by strange people speaking in strange tongues. I visit my home country the way Yankee tourists visit the Riviera, two weeks at a time, once a year. I only stay two weeks; because even my nostalgia is no match for the fear at the pit of my belle every time I am offered a glass of “pure water”, or the way my friends catapult from the back to the front of the car when I am forced to take evasive maneuvers to avoid giant holes in the middle of the highway. My time at home is always short, I am always in a hurry to return to this my new found land where I have chosen to hide myself. My shame runs deep, like the pools of mosquito infested stagnant water at the village, I cry at night from the pain that I know is somewhere being inflicted on the unlucky and the targeted by heavily armed thugs that own the darkness and the streets after 8.00PM. Somehow despite a GDP of $147 billon, the scream of the dying grows stronger by the day, you see my country is host to the silent curse of the big disease with the little name and unknown cure. Medicine cabinets are stocked full of fake drugs dispensed by unlicensed pharmacists and powerful priests claim to cure all kinds of illnesses by lays hands on people’s head. I internalize my sorrow a lot , when I am at home I can’t call my friends, I barely have any minutes and even when I do the South African company that owes my cell line is charging me 40 times what normal people would pay for the same service anywhere else in the world. There are plenty of others like me, we hang around the nice parts of this make belief place, wear fancy clothes and pretend to be something we are not, Americans. Everywhere I look I see doctors, lawyers, engineers, architects, artists, artisans, bankers, accountants all like me, lost souls trying to find a new meaning in Diaspora. The brave have abandoned their culture and left their heritage and history to be described by the lives of the unfortunate, the greedy, the unscrupulous, and the lost. I want to find outrage in my heart but my soul is empty, I have drained all my tears and my eyes are like hollow dark pools of black coal. The possibility that I will one day return to my homeland permanently is remote, you see I have broken bread here, my children will be born here, they will call this land home and refer to that distant place with the rich dark brown soil and the canopy of a thousand year old giant Udala trees as Africa.

The Space Inside my Head

Free form writing also known as stream-of-consciousness writing - can be used in order to clear the mind of half thoughts, actions, inactions, truths and half-truths. You go where your mind takes you and follow that thread as far along as it will take you, but branching off on the smallest of impulse. I started out by writing about resolutions and the New Year, wondering why people bother making “New Year Resolutions” when they know it will not be kept? Life altering changes are made not based on dates but events, in fact, it would be better to make New Year Restitutions (Resolution; defined: a firm decision to do something or hold firm to a belief, Restitutions defined: the return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed). Rather than a resolution to make new friends, how about making a restitution, by making up with a friend were the relationship has gone sour? Or rather than a resolution to give more to charity but instead make a restitution by returning anything you gained by wrongful means last year? It has a handle and an actual target and moreover it is bigger than just you.

Speaking of the New Year, this year all I am eating is fish, not that I particularly like fish but I have been convinced that fish contains Omega 3 oil (whatever that is) and that this oil unlike palm oil is good for me. Intellectually you can file this under the same heading as “vitamins improve your health”. For years they were supposed to be good for you, only recently the “know it alls” have changed their minds and decided that vitamin supplements do nothing for your health and are really just a waste of money since most people get all the Vitamins they need from their food anyway.

So with all the time in the world to make adjustments to your life, why would you choose the New Year? If you are in a plane flying across time zones it is possible to celebrate the incoming year 12 times in one day. Does the whole time zone thing make sense to you? Even cities on the same longitude are sometimes not even in the same time zone, the further west you go the less sense it makes. I know that LA should be at least 6 time zones away from NYC and not the current four, so how did they come by the four that we currently use and what happened to the other two? The thing I love most about LA are the freeways, I mean if not for the astronomical cost of living in that city, there is no better place to live on earth. The weather, the people, the topography and the malls are all to die for (except of course you live in Mahe, then in that case Na You Win). When I was in LA I experienced my first earthquake, believe me, if you have never been in one, there really is no way to describe the feeling that runs through you when the ground you are standing on begins to move, you immediately begin to understand how insignificant you are in context to everything else around you.

But I am are work now, second day back since the New Year, and I am not sure what to make of anything, I mean, are we in a recession or not? Everything feels the same, I am not really making anymore or less this year, than I did last year but for some reason I am extra tight with cash. Maybe it is all the doom and gloom being peddled on the TV or it is the fear that you don’t control your own faith as long as you are someone’s employee. I mean I would like to start my own show but I find myself a slave to the system, I truly am trapped in the matrix, Even if they pay me $500K a year, it is only because I am making $5M or more, a year for them. Ultimately it means that I have the skills to make $5M a year but I settle for the small cheese because I would rather be feed than bear the initial hunger it would take to free myself while searching for my own cheese.

I find that I am easily distracted, not ADD distracted but quickly convinced by extenuating factors to follow the next thought in the conga line of things running through my mind….. hmm, I wonder what will happen if I baked my Loafers?

Found In The Papers II

• The Auditor-General of the Federation, Mr. Robert Edjanavi, has expressed deep concern over the safety of Federal Government’s N363.9bn investments in some companies. Some of the investments, he said, might have been lost as a result of their privatisation or complete closure of the companies. The Auditor-General, therefore, advised the Accountant-General of the Federation to put a mechanism in place for the recovery of some of the funds. --------Dem don come again, wetin Lehman Bros get to do with 9jia money? Naija politicians are the true experts at never wasting a crisis. Any chance to die our pay is always welcome

• The Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) yesterday said that the total credits (loans) of the 24 banks operating in Nigeria has increased from N1.19 trillion in 2003 to N7.8 trillion as at January, 2009 while the total capital base is well over N2.1 trillion ----- E be like sey undercapitalized and overleveraged na words wey Nigerians go begin familiarize themselves with." I see dead people"

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  “How I met Jesus in prison” Jennifer Madike ------ Hmm… wonder if he was just visiting

• Sea pirates along the Bonny Channel, Rivers State, are said to have raped five ladies after they attacked three passenger boats in the area. A source on Tuesday told our correspondent that the three boats were intercepted by the armed gangs along the channel, which has become notorious for piracy and armed robbery in recent times. He said the gang laid ambush for the boats along the winding creeks and struck as soon as they came within their range. The source added that the gangsters carefully selected some women and a man from the three boats after the attack and forcibly took them deeper into the creeks. He said that the other passengers were allowed to go with the boats while the fate of the seized women and the man was unknown. …… We do not know what happened to the people that were kidnapped but the five women were certainly raped. And that one guy that was selected…..for what? Maybe, Rape?
  
  
  

• Pope Benedict XVI, who is making his first papal visit to Africa, has said that handing out condoms is not the answer in the fight against HIV/Aids. HIV/Aids was, he argued, "a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which can even increase the problem". The solution lay, he said, in a "spiritual and human awakening" and "friendship for those who suffer". ----- I wish I understood what he was trying to say. That condoms do not prevent or at least reduce the risk of infection?
  
  
  

• The Federal Executive Council Today said it is targeting the creation of a million jobs for youths in 2009 - ------ Me, I am always up for a decent miracle. What exactly is “job for youths”?
  
  
  
  

• ABUJA—For the first time since the return of democratic rule in 1999 the Senate yesterday commenced moves to appoint a national ombudsman with the responsibility of investigating complaints against federal, state and Local Governments. …… All well and good but what if I have a complaint against the Ombudsman?
  
  
  
  
  

• AT a recent gathering of Touts and Bus Stop Academics parliamentarians at the Iyana Ejigbo Bus-stop, a dispute had arisen over whether Governor Babatunde Fashola actually monitors how the different projects of his government were being executed. The dispute was a fallout of the surprise expressed by one of the parliamentarians, Francis Akpeyi, that the traffic control light at Iyana Ejigbo which malfunctioned for some days, causing a lot of traffic confusion, had been rectified within a short time. ----- Meaning there would have been no dispute if the light was still malfunctioning. That my friend is the essence of comedy, nothing else needs to be added, that soup don ready.
  
  
  
  

• If you are one of those thinking that singer Soul E is mourning his fate or remorse about his predicament in the last few months, sorry to disappoint you because he is not. The singer re branded his stage name and identity after getting ‘married’ to Queen Ure Okezie in Umuahia last year, and went on to parade themselves about town as showbiz couple, man and wife, appearing on different television shows and several events as King and Queen. ------more like area father and mother.
  
  
  

• CAN someone tell the EFCC to stop fooling the public? When a new Chairman of the EFCC in the person of Mrs. Farida Waziri was appointed about a year ago, expectations were high. No one believed that it could be a smokescreen. ------ Nope, most of us thought it was a “Chinese room divider” not a screen of any kind.
  
  
  
  

• AN in-depth analysis of the official pronouncements and statements of top government functionaries in Nigeria on the current global financial crisis reveals one of two things: Either a clear lack of understanding of the depth and ramifications of the issue at hand or an outright trivialization of how to go about it, which, essentially, is a function of the former. – Sometimes you can be too smart, such as now.
  
  
  
  

• Customs officials at the Beijing airport in China announced that they detained a Nigerian man who had a suitcase filled with about 87 kg of marijuana. Chinese police say it is the biggest drug arrest this year. ------- How is that even possible? How big was the suitcase? 190 pounds, com’on now! I bet he even tried bring it on to the plane as hand carry.

• A circuit court in Goaso has sentenced a 37 year-old self-styled juju man, Alhaji Abonyere, to 15 years imprisonment in hard labour for sexually assaulting a housewife. The convict pleaded guilty. He said in January the victim, who was suffering from menstrual disorder, was accompanied by her husband to the convict for herbal treatment. The prosecutor said the convict demanded GHC 2.00 and a cock as consultation fee for the treatment and placed the housewife on treatment. On February 3 when she reported to the convict for treatment Abonyere invited her into his room and asked her to obey all his instructions or she would go mad. Abonyere then stripped the woman half naked and smeared the stomach with black powder. Abonyere again removed the underwear of the housewife and put a talisman around her waist after which he asked her to bend down and continue to stir a calabash containing the blood of a fowl with a finger till he asked her to stop. ------- I wonder what she thought was going to happen after her underwear came down? I mean except if the man had an underwear fetish, this song only had one chorus. Please, what is GHC 2.00, na gun? or New brand of Condom?
  
  

Sometimes There Are NO Solutions

So Bill Clinton says that the world’s economies have lost about thirty trillion dollars in value since the crisis started last summer, this amount represents almost twice the annual GDP of the United States. Therefore, I ask myself, self, where in the world did the money go? I mean if investing is a zero sum game, as in, for every buyer a seller, that would imply that somewhere somehow someone should be 30 trillion dollars richer, right? Wrong! Apparently, that is not the case; everybody is hurting at the same time. The same contraction and recession fever running around as if a bull in a china shop through the US economy is also battering Asian, European and South American economies.

The price of oil has gone from $145.00+ a barrel, to under $40.00 a barrel, yet it is not like the number of cars on the streets decreased by more than two thirds, has it? If in general, any good is worth what someone else is willing to pay for it, then does it mean if no one is willing to pay anything for a particular good that it is worthless? Although it would explain the reason why I have not been able to sell my 18 years old slightly used Honda, but that is beside the point, it is completely unfortunate that society has chosen to keep score of personal worth by the size of tiny little zeros on bank account statements. Why else would people who were happy to pay $750K for a house two years ago suddenly hate their houses now because someone told them they can only sell it for $450K? It is the same house, with the same marble counter top, the sun drenched gazebo and grand foyer that you claimed was a bargain when you were showing it off two years ago.

Normally, in previous downturns you retrained, relocated or reengaged to get over the hump. In this current climate, the hump is a small mountain. In this current tsunami, if you do not have a life jacket (savings at the bank) and the water comes your way, you will drown without question. This time around, we will not be able to borrow any kind of floatation devise (short and long-term loan) from anyone; even captains of large boats (banks) are taking water and are in need of a bail out themselves. The concept of perpetual entitlement that grow out of an MVP culture has been the ultimate corrupting influence, it made it so that was no longer enough to be comfortable, no, you had to be comfortable while doing as little work as possible or suffering any real visible struggle. Conmen disguised as Investment bankers paid themselves out of peoples hard earned saving while dishing out fictitious quarterly and yearly statements. So it turned out that even the trust fund babies, had trusted too much of their funds to these scoundrels and were treated like babies.

Now that Citibank and Bank Of America are all tethering on the edge, threatening to fall over and break into a thousand little banks, what am I to do with the now $5.00 shares that I bought for $60.00 seven months ago? Consider the sheer absurdity of the fact that BofA has over paid for two broken banks (countrywide and Merrill) in the space of less than one year, yet this is a bank purportedly being run by intelligent educated men. What happened to buy low, sell high? Or is Ken Lewis of the “buy high, watch it sink lower” school of financial crisis mismanagement? Sometimes when your broker or financial analyst or whiz kid or hotshot or whatever the hell else they call themselves starts going on about a sure thing ask yourself this question, if it is such a sure thing why doesn’t he sell his belongs and put everything on this “sure thing” and make a killing?

So If you ever find yourself laying quietly in the dark with a bottle of brandy in your left hand, and .45 in your right hand, contemplating the irrational option of ending it all, please do yourself a favor and don't. Take the time to think about the fact that two years from now, the good times will be here again.

Individualistic Traits & Leadership

Back in the 90’s when the super eagles had a dominant team, they were the pride of Nigeria and also the reason too many people contemplated jumping from the balcony. They were super talented but frustrating as hell, always getting knocked out in tournaments they were favored to do well in. Nobody represented this era of Nigerian football better than Austin Jay Jay (So nice, they named him twice) Okocha, super talented midfielder with exquisite skills, he had a magical touch with the ball. There was no move he could not make, no space too tight for him not to attempt an overhead flick, the more defenders you put in front of him the better he liked his chances.

At the same time if any player was going to dribble in infinite circles away from the goal line, it was him. He could boot a devastating shot into the stands, even when he has wide open teammates he could have passed to, sometimes you felt like his teammates were playing at half speed because they were tired of watching him monopolize the ball. Contrasted with Oliseh, his less talented but more efficient midfield partner, most people preferred Oliseh’s game. Oliseh was economical with his approach, he seemed to like one touch football and all that; but at the end of the day, we all came to watch Okocha play, if anybody could create magic on the pitch he was the one. It was common place to blame Okocha whenever Nigeria lost. He dribbled too much, he does not pass, he is too offensive minded and does not do enough on defense.


Which now brings me to the point of this conversation, is it his duty to tone down his game to make his teammates comfortable or should they be the ones to raise their game in order to play at his level? Last night on TNT, Chris Webber in discussing the upcoming NBA All-star Game noted that he played for good teams and bad teams. On both teams, his workout routine was the same and his effort was the same. Unfortunately, outcomes were different because on the bad teams the other people (team managers, teammates ETC) were not as good, so he did not win as much. Since C-Webb did not get to pick his teammates, he didn't think he should be penalized for this outcome? I guess what he was basically getting at was, whether he is still a winner if he does the same things a winner does but does not get the same results? You will find that this occurs more often in life than you would care to admit.


Imagine this, you are working hard, doing everything right but your company is failing, one day they layoff everybody and you hit the unemployment line through no fault of your own. While you can take solace in the fact that it is not your fault, but the fact is you are in the same position as the bum that shows up for work late and rarely achieved any of his job goals. In this example while your individual performance was stellar, your team sucked. How can you be considered a success, when your team is not doing well? In basketball more than any other sport this is a common phenomena. Back in 2005/2006 Kobe Bryant of the Lakers, was surrounded by four stiffs, he played like a maniac, even once scoring 81 points in a game. He was willing to taking on a disproportionate proportion of his team’s offensive possessions just to make sure his team had a chance, despite all this, his team did not do very well and he was called a loser, not a good leader, whatever. Now his team is winning at a ridiculous clip, he is still putting out the same effort but all of a sudden, he has matured and is now a team player but the truth is, the only real difference between then and now, is that his teammates are better.

Consider this, you work in a call center, the layabouts that are your colleagues find any excuse not to show up for work or answer the phone. They are constantly rude to customers, they don’t follow procedure and generally create a hostile work environment. Is it your place to show them how do a better job? knowing that if they fail, you all fail. Or is it enough, for you to do your very best and hope that when the end comes you can hold your head high knowing that you did all that you could? Even if in the end you all fail collectively as a group.

Half Full Or Half Empty?

To most people, the half-full or half-empty question relates to whether a person tends to be pessimistic or optimistic in their views of events. I always tended to believe that the question was a lot more fluid than the answers it tended to generate. In the course of an ordinary day, anyone can swing from one to the other. Generally and curiously, I find that people tend to be more glass half full (optimistic), after a tragedy or an event where the loss or the outcome could have been worse. For example if armed bandits rob you, you are thankful that they did not shoot you. On the other hand, when you enjoy some good fortune but you feel like the outcome could have been better, your outlook is generally half-empty.

The game show “Deal or No Deal” uses this quirk in people to ensure that 80 percent of their constants walk out of there losers. You see, winning a VW when there was the possibility you could have won a Benz, leaves most people with a sense of loss regardless of the fact that neither vehicle was a guaranteed get when they started out. The other curious thing about the way we view events, is that our views of our own fortune is colored by the relative good or bad fortune of other people. Watching the Joneses get richer would give most people a perpetual glass half full view of life even if you are not doing too badly yourself. Basically; we allow someone else’s circumstances to distort our view of our own self worth and most times this is without knowing the mitigating reasons for the other person’s success.

This displeasure could usually carry over into the all other areas of ones personal life, even into areas were your lot really is good, like marriage or your job or your friendships. To get clarity and to be able to balance out how we view things we will need to undergo a true paradigm shift (a change of position so profound, relative to our original position as to completely change our interpretation of events).

Experiences like finding God or surviving a truly harrowing experience tends to leave a lasting change in people where they are always thinking they are blessed. NBA basketball great Tracy Mcgrady returned from a trip to Somalia, with a completely new understanding to the words misery and hopelessness. For him, someone, who always thought that the worse that could happen was growing up poor and black in America, he experienced a paradigm shift that things could have been be a lot worse.

Here are some answers to the question Half Full or Half Empty? From Wiki answers

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  Answer: Neither, It is always full. It may be filled with 50% of water and 50% of air, or any variation of competing percentages, but it is always full of something even if it looks empty, as it could be FULL of air.
• Answer: That is relative. Depends whether you are drinking or pouring.
  Answer: Logical point of view, the cup is half-full. A glass cannot be half-empty because half of nothing is still nothing.
• Answer: I think that the cup being half-full or half empty can and should both be looked at as positive viewpoints. For even if the cup is half-empty you have taken in half and you yourself are half-full. So in one sense (half full) you have more to consume, and in the other (half empty) you have consumed already a part of what there is.
• Answer: In Yorkshire they'd say the glass was too blummin' big
• Answer: I do not know how in the first place this could even be asked since your glass was empty to begin with, then it is logically half-full. HOWEVER, if you have filled your glass and drank half of it then it is half-empty so, you can not answer this question without knowing if the glass was completely full before you have stumbled upon it

Me, My Past and My Future

If yesterday’s you met today’s you would he be disappointed? The course of life would apart to be incredibly winding, is it possible that out of fatigue from the sheer grind of daily living, today’s you was left behind by yesterday’s hopes and dreams. In the course of reaching for heaven, is it possible that you settled for a penthouse? You are still high up, but you look and realize that a piece of you was not actualized, like bad sex despite the fact that you appreciate the fact that it happened, you know and realize that it could have been so much better.
Tenacity is a trait that is remarkably in short supply, the need to follow the path of least resistance is as old as the universe itself, water flows over rocks seeking the softest corners, it curves its course by wearing them down, the same thing with human nature. Our course through life is often consumed by the present, hardly the hard past or the ambiguous future. The present represents a cumulative total of all that you have been up until now, all your mistakes, concessions, good fortune and hard work. The future is wide open you could still be whatever (yes, you can be president), the past should serve as a reservoir of dos and don’ts but in the end we use it for a dark cupboard where we hide our misdeeds, clandestine affairs, shameful experiences, failed projects, abandoned dreams and mismanaged opportunities.
People tend to haul the past around like an anchor bringing it like nuclear waste into their present, polluting everything. It sours your optimism, because your experience tells you it will not work, rather than you finding answers of what will work in the past, the past tells you to give up. The past colors your objectivity, making sure that you bring a bias into every situation regardless of its relevancy. It’s strange that we carry so much of our history around with us but often do not reach into that closet to pull out encouragement for the present but rather excuses from our past. The other funny thing is that the past, the present and the future are all the same, one second ago was your past, and one second from now is your future, the decision you made a minute ago to is immediately affecting your present and invariable will have an effect in the future that will emerge from this present.
So if you met the younger you, the one that ran to class with only one sock and tattered sandals, the one that dreamt of being a Nobel laureate tell him, yes you have compromised, yes you have deviated from the path but tell him that have seen the light and you will be back stronger and more determined than ever, that you will be a credit to him, because there is nothing that has happened that says you can’t be all that, Nelson Mandela become president at 79, you have a long way to go.

A Skunk By Any Other Name....

What can I say? There is a certain rhythmic poetry to the news that Bernard Madoff, the face of the very snobbish New York Investment banking ultra elite was involved in a pyramid scheme. Apparently this arrangement which is neither genius nor even elaborate was named after Charles Ponzi.(Fortune Magazine online said of Charles Ponzi “First, though, Ponzi needed seed money to buy coupons in bulk. He hung out a shingle as the Securities Exchange Co. (more than a decade before the creation of the federal Securities and Exchange Commission). Thousands of investors responded to his promise of 50% return in 90 days, soon doubled to 100% in 90 days -- well within his theoretical business model. Over the next seven months, Ponzi collected roughly $8 million (about $100 million today) and became one of the most talked-about men in the U.S. Imitators quickly followed, with one especially brazen group opening an office down the hall from his, prompting Ponzi to proclaim that he was the "real" financial wizard amid a sea of fakes.” If you want to read the whole thing you can find it here The real Ponzi behind the 'scheme' it is fascinating.) Either way, so these days when even the smart guys are getting taken, when banks are falling victim to fraudsters and conmen, you now have to ask yourself, who scares you more? The semi literate trying to pull a “Yahooze” from an internet café in Lagos or the Palm Beach Country Club snob, that was “Investing” the money of friends and family? Imagine this, Bernard Madoff runs into a friend, despite the fact that he knows the man is broke (after all, he just “invested” some of his money) he will seat with him and eat expensive steak dinner, drink $100.00 a shot Cognac, and tell him to can rest easy, that his money is safe. The fact that the SEC did not bother scrutinizing a fund seating on $50B (How much is Nigeria’s budget for 2009?) in capital, tells you something about how completely this guy was trusted in the investment community. The sheep list covers every spectrum; it includes major European banks, probably your 401K mutual fund, movie producers, pension boards, labor unions, it seems to go on and on.

My cousin said that he cannot access his bank accounts, E bay accounts or even make purchases in Amazon with a credit card, simply because he is in Nigeria and most web portals will not allow IP addresses originating from Nigeria to execute even legitimate financial transactions. This is how they counter internet fraud? By shutting down, everybody? Despite the fact that it is common knowledge that the level of organization, sophistication and global reach that the Russians and Chinese have brought to credit and electronic fraud will not be matched by Nigerians, even if every single one of us took to advance fee fraud, 24/7. I don’t hear of anyone blocking Chinese IP addresses, even while they are hacking Pentagon’s classified files.



If not for this financial meltdown, Bernard Madoff would have continue his merry little game of “Financial Musical Chairs” with the watchdogs (Auditors, SEC, however else dropped the oversight ball on this) acting as his guest DJs. Many wealthy people face financial ruin as we speak, but what lessons is anyone going to learn from all of this? Sadly I say nothing, “trust but verify” only applies to everybody else. The same principle that makes it ok for banks to only lend you money if you don’t need it, applies here, regulators will continue to only fact check the little guy, the small fries, they of the small schemes and minor hits, they will be stopped at the door. The smart ones will continue to rob the banks from the inside.


There are so many shady characters around these days. There are the guys on TV telling you “ I earned $9K a month doing nothing” all you have to do to be like me, is visit the website 82fastmoney.com, the TV station does not mind collecting the AD revenue, even if the message they are spreading is barely legal, nobody cares. These days every time I turn on the TV, somebody is offering a “reverse mortgage”; or in other words selling your property one monthly payment at a time. They claim it a way for seniors to tap the equity in their homes without ever moving out, I say it a way for banks to steal homes from the elderly while they are still alive. Websites Offer 3 month PH.Ds, nobody thinks it is bad idea, it’s all good fun until somebody gets hurt, then it’s just news.

2008 In Words and Phrases.

• This year the news has been dominated by two events, the election of Barack Obama and the collapse of the global economy. As such, majority of the words that became commonplace around the water cooler originated from them. Certain words and phrases have so ingrained themselves into our everyday vernacular that we accept them as fact even though we have no way of knowing if what they connote is the truth. One such phrase is “Liberal Elite Media”, made popular by Fox News and Sarah Palin, it was used to imply a bias by the mainstream press for a democratic or liberal agenda; the combination of the words liberal and elite being used to imply that the media was out of touch with the pathos of the ordinary citizen. While a clever play on words, it does leave you asking the question; “liberal elite media” as opposed to what? The “regular liberal media” or is there a “conservative elite media” out there somewhere? Either way here are some other words and phrases that we became overly familiar during the course of the year.

• Stimulus Package – This is a special package prepared by the wife whenever she needs to stimulate your spending and boost her economy. While the package contents maybe vary, they always include some combination of welcome home kisses, elaborately prepared (and served) dinners, special treats in the inner chamber and a quiet request made at the exact moment when you are thanking God for your good fortune.

• Change - Change we can use, especially when trying to buy pour water on Eko Bridge from a moving car. The change we need, we usually cannot find and we are forced to break a fifty just to buy yogurt. Change that is necessary, for parking meters in order to avoid getting a ticket.

• Web 2.0 – Unlike Web 1.0, which brought us useful stuff like Yahoo email, AOL instant messenger and CNN, Web 2.0 is entirely devoted to time wasting with useless tools like Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.

• Bailout – Used in reference to getting your good for nothing uncle out of jail. Could also be used to reference your technique for exiting your girlfriend’s house when her father returns unexpectedly back in the day.

• Financial Meltdown - Refers to the melting of your saving account and net worth like ice- cream, in fact if your cone gets soggy watch out, even your small remaining cream will vanish.

• Financial Tsunami – This is the avalanche caused by millions of ice-creams melting at the same time, like any other regular tsunami it will leave millions drenched in debt and devastation. We continue to mourn the passing of Bear Stearns and The Lehman Brothers, they will be missed.
  Fannie and Freddie – This refers to the gay couple living down the street. They are very unreliable; and will flake on you if you invest in them. They do not work but have very rich parents and therefore throw money around as if it is nothing. But because they are always sending everybody gifts, they are beloved despite their flaws.

• Credit Crunch – It is the crunch you feel when the shopkeeper tells you cheerfully “Your card has been decline”. A good credit crunch can be hard to digest, like undercooked steak it does not go down easily, especially if you have already committed to that big screen TV or maybe the In-laws are coming but your bank account is bone dry.

• Maverick – A maverick is that person who can‘t do anything right but is given a free ride because “that is just who they are”. A maverick is allowed to have multiple positions on every topic, some of them at the same time. They are normally for small Government until they are against it.

• Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps – Shady deals given to those who know the secret handshake or at least the secret knock. It is akin to someone else (no relation of yours whatsoever) taking out an insurance on your life. Tell me why they will not do you in and collect on the policy? Working Class – Along with the Sleeping Class and the Watching Class make up the population of the United States.

• Working Class Whites – Uniform worn by the most self righteous amongst the working class.

• RBS or Royal Bank Of Scotland – unlike the common bank of Scotland, this one is quite useless at banking, it is staffed by Oxford and Cambridge grads, while they know nothing about banking, they are excellent at foxhunting and horseback riding.

• Subprime – This is a new species of the human race. Since they were discovered, they have been instrumental in sending the world economy into a state of cardiac arrest. These lowly creatures have a terrible history of savings and an even worse history of paying bills. How anyone came to become a “subprime” anything is beyond me but from everything I have heard they are horrible people and they should never be allow to own anything.

• Foreclosure – This happens after the bank has sent you like two thousand notices and have still not received the check you said you mail back June. In fact it is happening so frequently that in some areas, banks are having foreclosure parties where everybody can come hangout, turnover their keys and trash the house, good times I tell you.

• Surge – A feeling you and your spouse enjoy in the privacy of your bedrooms. Obama was said to have surged to victory on election night, and from the smile on Michelle’s face, I think it might have been true.

• The Detroit Big 3 – Three old men from Michigan, last spotted begging for alms in DC.

• Global Warming – Which is not to be confused with Global Re-heating, global warming is much gentler, and you hardly know it is occurring. Like leaving an ice cube out in the open, eventually all you will have is a puddle of water, by then we should have all grown gills.
  
  Obamamania – A state of delirium suffered by Africans everywhere, it is characterized by irrational hope and belief in the abilities of an American president.

• Affluenza – A strain of Influenza that makes people chase affluence, to the death if necessary. It is an incurable condition, normally associated with the sacrifice of dignity, friends and scrupulous.

• Cloud Computing – A technique for handing over all your secrets and sensitive company data to unknown people somewhere. It has been known to cause severe headaches if you do not have internet connection at the moment of need.

• Lame Duck – Served with humility and plenty of regret. Yes, we can – But what if we can’t? Alternatively, we tried and we couldn’t? Or what about a safer, sure we may?

• Chinglish – The Chinese version of Spanglish, only not as cute.

• Joe The Plumber - A description for self-promotional day workers suffering from delusions of grandeur.
  
  Swing State – An alternative life style state where swingers are welcome, like California.

• Nomophobia – this is the fear you experience upon jumping into your car and half way to work remembering that you left your cell phone on the dresser. Despite the fact that nobody has call you on your cell at work in the past five years, you still turn the car around, because for some reason you just have to have your phone with you. This is also known as Craziness.

• Ninja Loans – Loans taken out by men with years of training in evading payment. These highly trained operatives have the ability to vanish into thin air with all the equity in a property, they have special skills used in drawing down on lines of credit, securing second and third mortgages on properties; and persuading appraisers to inflate the value of a property by 300%.
  
  

Fringonomics and the concept of free money

Yes you read that right, coming to a bank near you in the immediate future, free money. With the bank rate currently at 1% and the Feds threatening to cut the rate to zero, soon banks can in theory borrow from the Federal Reserve window at no cost whatsoever. These days the figure flying around is $7.5 trillion, (this by the way, is approximately equal to about 45% of the GDP) This is the amount that the Government would have committed to, in one form or another by the time all is said and done. This is where we are today, with the treasury and the feds tap dancing at a frantic pace trying to keep up with the deadly downward spiral of investor asset values and the fantastic deleveraging of the economy. Basically since no one has ever dealt with a problem of this magnitude before, we are now in the realm of a new discipline that I will refer to as “Fringonomics”. Fringe economic instruments of monetary and fiscal control are being implemented without any discernable attempt to measure it’s potential effect on the future capacity of the economy to return to normal once this crisis is averted. To date, despite the best efforts of the government and the reserve banks, we have been in a deflationary circle but common sense tells us that some point all those chickens (referring to the billions being indiscriminately pumped into the system) will come home to roost in the form of uncontrolled inflation. The current deflationary trend is already leading to job cuts and lay offs, so despite the “low low” prices available at Wal-Mart nobody is interested, not when you have so many other competing needs with a diminishing means of meeting these divergent obligations. The geniuses that got us into this mess by trading in highly speculative and in some cases imaginary assets, will in the end be the same ones using all that “free” money and just what do you think they will do when the economy starts to rebound? Yes, they will buy and buy everything; those same “low low” prices for assets and commodities, will cause a buying frenzy. They will flush all that cash into the system and drive up the price of everything from drinking water to online dating. Now you can’t fault Secretary Paulson, he is doing what he has to do to keep the wolf at bay but my question is, since these Harvard MBAs got it so wrong the first time, what gives them the right to have a second crack at it? Interestingly, due to blind acceptance forged from years of unconditional usage most people do not even give a thought to the fact that if your government is in the business of printing money, you as a citizen should be in the business of storing your wealth in something else other than money. If there is only one dollar in the entire US economy and I have it, the minute a second dollar is created I am only worth half as much as I was worth before, so regardless of the outcome of these current experiments, for the average Joe the end result is a net loss. Now don’t even get me started on Nigeria’s deficit budget spending for 2009…….

What do you believe?

Relax; I am here to seek enlightenment, not to pontificate. To ask questions that always bothered me, not to cast shadows over your beliefs. I have friends that are saved, people with strong feels about their faith and its place in their lives but I have always wondered, what does it all mean in the end? I am not sure what I believe or not (I know, I could have written that differently but try to stay focused). I know that as soon as man was able to process cognitive thoughts he started to ask questions about his place in the big scheme of things. Christians believe what they believe and there are about one billion Moslems that will beg to differ, so assuming everybody is right to a degree where does that leave God? Somewhere today a deeply religious person probably passed away but tonight another deeply religious person will pray, “Thank you God for sparing me and my family”. Is the prayer not really saying “better him than me”? We read in the papers everyday where another Iraqi family was decimated by an errant missile and we casually flip over to the next page, and I know it is not because you don’t care or that you don’t wish them well. I am conflicted as to what is I believe, blind faith like the type a child has for the mother regardless of whether or not she is an irresponsible mother or a drug addict has been hard for me to accept. I used to pray and I believed all my prayers were answered, but that had nothing to do with anything. I know some pretty awful people who have been blessed with even more good fortune, so obviously they must be praying too.Am I asking for too much to want to know the why, when and how? Shouldn’t I just wrap religious rituals (for Christians, Sunday church and mid-week worship and for Moslems the five daily prayers) around myself like a warm blanket and assume I am protected from the chill of an aimless existence. Somehow, I think most people are not much concerned with finding the right way, just as long as it is their way, Moslems are right, Christians are right, same goes for Hindus, Buddhists AND EVERYONE ELSE. Maybe what I asking is, even if there isn’t a divine design to the affairs of man, don’t we have to believe that there is one anyway to keep us from being even more inhuman to one another? Seriously, if you have a plausible way of looking at this, I would like to hear it.

Man and Romance

I was forwarded this note by the friend of a friend, thought it was nice, decided to share.

Through out the age of man the art of courtship has changed drastically. Back in prehistoric times, man would see the woman of his dream, bring her an animal carcass then club her in the head while she was distracted. He then would drag her unconscious (and possibly brain damaged) body back to his cave for some sweet “caveman lovin”. In biblical times men would have to work for the father of his future bride, sometime for years even. Beautiful, just beautiful. With technology constantly changing and spoiling us, people have grown to be lazy. No more thrill of the hunt. No more challenge. No more going out and slipping some hot chick the date rape pill. Lazy people are now relying on the internet dating services. Some pathetic souls have even lowered themselves to placing an ad on Craig’s list…my friend got his 72 inch flat screen TV from there. Some people have even tried to justify themselves to me by saying “it’s hard finding a companion out there. I can’t seem to find anyone out there that’s decent.” So you chose to post an ad in the same place where people can buy a use toilet… good job. You know what kind of people circle around these websites; child molesters, rapists, stalkers, and R. Kelly. For those of you that say there’s just no one out there for you, here’s a list people who are not very good looking but found love:Hitler had a fiancée, Mimi Reiter, as well as a mistress, Eva Braun.Pamela Anderson also found love… and she’s a walking STD!Seal… have you seen his face? The man has more craters then the moon. Kiss from a rose? More like a kiss from a rhino’s ass!C’mon, if Marc Anthony can get Jennifer Lopez, there’s hope for you too. I mean the man does look like a cracked out Jimmy Smits. Quit living in the land of make-believe by saying “I’m waiting for the one of my dreams.” Point being, get off your ass make yourself presentable and begin your quest. And don't forget to lower your expectations.

The Audacity Of Hope.

There are very few events in your life were you remember exactly where you were at the exact time it happened, I have been fortunate enough to experience two of them. The first was September 11th 2001, at about 9.00 AM, I was coming off the E train from Queens, my stop was the Times Square station on 42nd and 7th, I was late and in a hurry to get to work, but on that day there would be no work. The whole of New York City appeared to be transfixed watching the giant TV screens surrounding Times Square, I made to ask the guy next to me what was going on, but before I could say a word, the second plane came into view of the cameras and we all watched, transfixed, as the plane flew straight into the second tower of the World Trade Center, there was a loud gasp as if a million people collective sucked in air, then a quietness (not silence but a stillness, like church) for a nano second it was like the world stopped, and then all hell broke loose. I write this not to revisit 9/11 but to explain how engraved the details of that day are in my mind, I could write a book of the events of that day alone, from the glassy eyed look in peoples eyes, to the wild rumors spreading like forest fire about alien invasions, even the trek out of New York City that day was epic. But I am getting side tracked; the second time was of course last night.
The unfathomable event that unfolded last night, will carryover into the lives of generations yet to come. That the black grandson of a goat herder from Kenya, raised by a single white mother on public funds without the “proper” connections could compete and prevail against historic odds is a story of biblical proportions. The is a uniquely American story, those of us from Nigeria know this intimately, it could not happen were we are from. In Nigeria, the same ruling class of has more or less held the country hostage for almost half a century, the chances that a “nobody” will rise out of the dirt without the aid of machine guns and flak jackets to preside over the affairs of our nation is slim to none. The euphoric joy that was felt around the world (My Mother is a Obama fan and for the past few months it’s been Obama this, Obama that, the woman lives in Kaduna and has not been to the States since 1992.) resonated in my house, I have not slept a wink, I will one day tell my children about the greatest election of my generation and the belief that it installed in me, that I hope I will be successful in passing on to them, Yes we can, Yes we can

A Satirical Journey In False Positives.

McCain 08, set out on a mission to win the presidency of the United States.


He chose his theme.


He tried to cut ties with outside influences.



He had his fans.

His plan was to poach some votes from the other guy's base. He chose his running mate carefully.

Initially his base was not too enthused about his candidacy.


But eventually they came around.
Then they took over.


























He made his priorities known.


Showed off his foreign Policy credentials

He lived up to maverick credentials.

Even the press had a hard time keeping up with him
He talked about the corrupting influence of money in politics.

Even when he changed his mind, he made sure everybody knew he was for his old position but he was against.

Then came the debates, where he aggressively tackled the issues.

When the polls suggested he was falling behind, he made some tactical adjustments.

All the twisting and turning meant that he sometimes.....

He tried to get his message on the economy to the people, but his message was distorted.

He resolved to go it alone if neccesary. He refuses to be intimidated.

Even though everyone thinks it is over, he soldiers on.

Nedu, 09.

All Might Dollar

Rough estimates puts the value of all the gold in the world at about 2 trillion dollars, since a majority of the world's currencies is backed by gold (to a degree), that means that there is a substantial disconnect between that figure and the GDP of the world which was estimated at 65 trillion dollars in 2006. Where did all the extra trillions come from? A crate of eggs is only worth however much the market is willing to pay for it. In the 1900s, a dozen eggs sold of $.23; today a dozen eggs cost about $4.00. What happened? Is the chicken demanding more money of her eggs?

While it is true that as the world's population grew, income and opportunity grow with it, the fundamental underlying factors remained the same. If you sold everything, you own today, how much are you worth? $1K, $10K, $100K or even a million Dollars? Whatever that number is, ask yourself this question, what exactly is a Dollar? It still takes the same effort to hoe a row of yams today that it took in 1960, then why are we paying more for the Labor today? If it truly were up to demand and supply, would the price of labor not be going down instead of up? The world has at least 10 times more available, trainable labor today than it had in the nineteenth century. Yet we are all earning more money than our forefathers could have ever dreamed of, doing virtually the same work. I would understand if this change in relative wealth was only happening in the US or China or even Nigeria but it is going on all over the world at the same time! If we are all stealing from each other, then why are we all getting rich? Where in God's name is the money coming from? This defies all the laws of commerce, we can't all be trading with each other and everybody is getting richer, somebody has to lose for the other to gain otherwise something is most definitely off kilter.

John D Rockefeller and William H. Vanderbilt were probably the richest men in the history of the world ever! Neither of them ever made a billion dollars in their lifetimes, yet Forbes.Com this year listed 1062 men and women with a net worth of at least one billion dollars, what could have happened to create so much wealth, in such a short time? If you have, $1000.00 and i have a tuber of yam, which is more valuable? My yam has actual value and can fulfill a need, with your dollar I have to agree that it is worth something to me, for it to be valuable.

Maurice Greenberg was the 135th wealthiest American in 2007. His net worth was $2.8 billion. He was a former chairman of AIG. He recently sold 5 million shares for $3.77 per share, now he is just another millionaire. So was he really worth a billion dollars? or Was it our inflated valuation of his assets that was distorted? The point here is that we have taken to creating monopoly money that is not backed an actual product, resource or service. Welcome to the derivatives culture, where if there is no demand, we create demand. Everybody is borrowing more, from everywhere, so that we can pay more, for everything. But where is all the extra money coming from? Idi Amin was famous for asking his Central Bank Governor to print more cash and I am afraid that in a roundabout way the world is paying him homage because everybody seems to be doing what he was doing all those years ago, wasting good paper.

Bushonomics & The Tickle Down Economic Disaster

Trickle-down economics" and "trickle-down theory," is the economic-political argument that the increases in the wealth of the rich are good for the poor because some of such additional wealth will eventually trickle down to the middle class and to the poor. At least that is what it says in Wikipedia, Karl Max had theories that made more sense. The only thing that has tickled down is bad debt, maxed out credit cards, stagflation in commodities and a recession in the housing industry. Instead of the Mullahs at the top to let anything tickle out, they papered over all the cracks to prevent any possible leakage. Smart CEOs made sure that unemployment tickled down by constantly laying off workers to improve efficiency. Hedge funds controlling trillions of dollars speculated with glee on oil and we all watched as the price of a barrel of crude climbed from $17.00 to $150.00 per, while the resultant increase in the cost of gas tickle down to the masses. This tickle down nonsense, seems curiously familiar to this Nigerian, I knew I had seen it somewhere before; but I was not sure where? An economic environment in which the ruling class and their well connected friends, initiated a plan to rob the treasury and pass the burden of repaying the mess on the country while they themselves swiftly proceeded to retire to a life of luxury and great wealth? OH MY GUSH, it is the same thing IBB and Uncle Segun were doing to Nigeria all these years. Turns out that greed and corrupt is universal; and was not invented in Africa contrary to what you might have heard.

So here we are, eight years into the most disastrous reign of ignorance, mismanagement and ineptitude, since the fall of the Holy Roman Empire, I can say with certainty that yes the hubris advanced by this culture's belief that “There is winning and then there is misery” has finally caught up with us. Despite the colossal failure that was the first four years of the bush administration (an administration that went to war just to juice up the economy), some bible touting, gay bashing, narrow minded, gun loving, right wing zealots masquerading as fiscally responsible conservatives decided that the first go around was so nice, that we had to have another go. So here we are, four more years later.